Fear has been an enemy of mine for most of my life. It has dictated decisions, kept me from doing things I really wanted to do, and at times it has completely controlled my life. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of losing another child, fear, fear, fear. It's like an old toxic friend that you know you need to remove from you life but you just can't let yourself do it. Well, fear and I have been at war lately.
I'm a dreamer, an idealist. Fear and those two things just don't work well together. I find myself constantly disappointed or feeling unfulfilled because I am just too afraid to try something, to take that leap of faith and pursue a goal, dream, or an ideal. Every now and then I'll kick fear to the curb or I'll just do whatever scared, but then the fear and doubt are always knocking at the door, or more like breaking the door down. To say I am a fearful person bothers me, but I can't change something I do not acknowledge.
I've struggled with my weight most of my life. Even when I wasn't overweight, I truly felt that I was. When I looked in the mirror I saw a fat girl. I've never been happy with how I look; not unusual for women I know. This goes way beyond not being happy with myself though and turned into an incredible self hatred. That in turn led me to just flat out viciously bully myself. The things I say to myself would get me thrown in jail if I said them to someone else. Yet, I justify them because I am saying them to myself.
It's like my own personal prison. I long for the day I am free but I am afraid of that day also. At least in my prison I am protected. The only person who can hurt me is me. And there it is...my discovery of why I operate the way I do; this fear and self hatred allow me to feel a safety that I just don't want to give up. I'll hurt myself before I let you hurt me. I'll say those awful things about myself before I let you do it. You won't be saying anything that I haven't already said to myself. But that safety comes at a great cost. It costs me health, opportunities, relationships, unmet goals, unfulfilled dreams, and more. I have a decision to make. Do I want out of prison or not?
I started one of many weight loss journeys in January. It's one that I had started before and gave up on but decided to give it another shot because it was working when I was doing it. This time I had a goal that I wanted to meet and it motivated me to try again. Unfortunately fear and self-hatred joined with me. To say this has been a rough ride would be an understatement. I have fought with self-doubt and hatred continually though this process and some days they just about do me in but they're not winning. I'm staying the course thanks to a supportive husband, a great program with a coach that is routing for me every step of the way, and a community of safe people to go to when I need to ask a question or just need encouragement. I'm a little over a pound away from my first goal that I set. I started this program at over 335(that was not easy to type) and as of today I am 301.6. I'm in week 30. As you can see I have a very long ways to go but I have been trying to get under that 300 mark for over 10 years. 10 years of constant dieting attempts, failures, vicious self bullying, and unfulfilled dreams. For the first time I am succeeding. Today I am making the decision, I am getting out of prison. It won't be easy and I've got a lot of work to do but I'm getting out. Fear and self-hatred will undoubtedly get out with me but I think that is okay. They'll be unwelcome more and more as time progresses. They'll visit, I'll greet them, and then find a way to get rid of them. :-)
I hope that if you are in a prison of your own that you will examine why you are there and whether you want to get out. I think we all deserve a chance to be free.
I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes and a bible verse.
Fear is what blocks an artist. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of not finishing. The fear of failure and of success. The fear of beginning at all. There is only one cure for fear. The cure is love...Stop yelling at yourself. Be nice..." Julia Cameron
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Psalms 34:4 I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.
I have to give a shout out to the wonderful program that is helping me on my weight loss journey. StrongerU I'd highly recommend it. It's changing my life in ways I never dreamed were possible.
God bless and thank you for reading.
Mac
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