Old Voices...Tyranny of the Past

I set out on a journey a little under two years ago.  It was a journey to improve my overall health.  I lost weight, learned things about health I never knew before, and built strength and began moving like I haven't in years. I started doing a martial art called Muay Thai and loving it.   It did something for me physically and mentally that no other activity could do.  Sounds great right?  It was!

Yep...WAS!  Somewhere over the last few months I found myself slipping.  It scared me but didn't stop me.  I was terrified of gaining the weight I lost back.  Still I faltered time after time.  I was spiraling and I could not figure out why.  Each passing day led to more defeat and disappointment.  I found myself isolating and stopped doing activities I enjoyed.  I quit talking to my nutrition coach except when he reached out to me, stopped going to Muay Thai, didn't post on facebook groups, and just basically quit doing all the things that had led to my success.  Why?      

Why, is the million dollar question.  As I had a text conversation with my nutrition coach today none of my actions or reasons made sense.  I had no clue why.  He suggested I go write, and I did.  I put away my work and sat down with pen and paper in hand and let it all flow.  A few pages into my rambling I began to get some clarity of sorts.  What changed I asked myself over and over and wrote whatever came through my pen.  I was totally stream of conscious writing at this point.  Before long I was writing about how the only thing that changed was what I was telling myself about my situation.  WHAT?  There is no way that is the problem.  I kept writing.  It became more and more clear as I wrote.  Yep, the problem is what I am telling myself.  I had let my focus shift and slowly I became consumed with all those negative voices of the past that tore me down and never gave me a chance to succeed.  Their words dominated my thoughts.  They became my influence.  The positive voices that had spoken into my life for nearly two years became nonexistant and when they did appear I dismissed them as not knowing me or not getting it.  I was acting like the old Marcey.  I was focusing on the old and not building the new.  I was no longer working on the change I so desperately desired. 

In the "Body Keeps The Score" Dr. Van Der Kolk states this “In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them. Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past.” This statement is so powerful to me. It explains why when I let my focus shift from the present influences(health, nutrition, fitness, Muay Thai) to the past influences, I began losing focus, regressing, and feeling like my goals were impossible to reach. That I was an exception to the rule and it was useless for me to even try. I had taken quitting off the table only to put it right back on it again. Taking care of myself physically and mentally is not an option. It is a neccessity. That is a fact.


What have I decided to do about all of this? That's not a hard question to answer. I am going to go back and pick up where I left off when I decided the past had more merit than the present. I am going to chat with my nutrition coach and work my nutrition program, go back to Muay Thai, move everyday, post on my facebook groups, write, blog, do therapy, and see my doctors as needed. I will do all the hard things because I can and will be better for it. I will check with the new voices in my life before giving merit to the old voices, and most of all I will give myself some grace to do the best I can and know that my best is enough. I will always be enough and that is all I should ever ask of myself.

I'm so grateful to too many people to name. Thank you for supporting me, 

teaching me, helping me, and believing in me.

   

                

The State of Wonky...Grace and Goals

Being Wonky means that something is unsteady or shaky.  I think that describes my current state quite well.  Really it's not a bad thing to be wonky.  For me it means change is happening and it's change I want.

Wonky is saying or sharing your thoughts, feelings, experiences, only to regret or second guess doing so a few minutes later and deleting a post on facebook or apologizing for a message sent.  It is a constant state of wanting to do or say something, letting yourself, then being unsure, and often regretting the decision to let yourself go with your thoughts or feelings.  It can be a bit maddening for the person in this state and I'm sure it is for those we interact with.  Then there are those times when you let yourself say or share something and it feels absolutely right and good.  Just never know which it will be.

Wonky is your love for Muay Thai and going to train but the whole time you are there you feel like you are an invader of the other team members space and not a team member yourself.  Every partnership feels like and invasion of someone's space.  Like your being there keeps others from getting what they came to class for.  Other times it feels like you are right where you are supposed to be and deserve to be there as much as anyone else.  Which will it be this time?  You never know.

Wonky is deciding to lose weight, finding a plan that works, begin to lose weight, and then discovering that there is a lot more than food choices behind all those pounds.  You have to figure out what to do in addition to this new program that is working to help you lose weight.  You begin to add resources and do what is required to help you reach your gals.  Find you need to make a mental shift  from losing weight to being the healthiest person you can be.  It takes a lot of physical and mental energy some days and you just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Other moments you see that light and you dare anyone to get in your way as you plot your path towards it. 

Wonky is having a high level of ability in your career and shifting from feelings of success and failure all day long.  One moment you are in your element and this is your purpose and the next feeling like an imposter and incapable of providing what your clients and parents need.

Wonky is having a traumatic past that has messed with the life.  You finally decide to do something about it.  Go all in with a new therapy that has a high probability of helping and then switching between being grateful and horrified you are doing it several times a day.

Wonky is a state of searching, learning, discovering, deciding, changing, and hoping.

I think you get the idea.  Wonky is often a state that comes with making changes.  It is the state between the old and the new.  How does a peson manage this stage?  How do they keep from losing friends, learning what they need to learn, and ultimately living into the change they need to make?  I think the answer is grace and goals.  You have to give yourself the grace to transition.  Transition is not easy and it is not something that happens all at once.  I am a transition specialist for individuals on the Autism Spectrum.  Primarily those ages 14-22 years old that are  transitioning from High School into college or work.  I know this stuff.  It takes time and it takes having a plan in place with goals to reach for.  Change requires time, plans, and grace.

Recently one of the coaches of the the nutrition program(stronger u nutrition) I am doing posted a video about values and goals and how to visualize them.  I am a visual person and I loved the illustration.  It took me weeks and weeks to work through a visual of my own though.  I finally  finished mine up yesterday.  I'll post a photo below.  I hope that if you find yourself in the state of wonky that reading this will help you relax a little and let this process of change play out.  It will require action on your part but don't be surprised or thwarted by your feelings of being all over the place.  It's part of the process.  Being wonky means movement towards goals you've set.  Don't stop and dont' despair.  Buckle up, have some grace, set some goals, and let the wonky lead you right to the life you want to live.

         

 

Hannah

Every year on this Sunday before Memorial Day I get reflective.  It was 18 years ago today that I would find out that the baby girl I was carrying would need to be delivered 3 months early.  I was barely 27 weeks pregnant with her.  The pregnancy had been rough especially in caparison to my previous two.  I spent the weekend incredibly ill and it became apparent that something was terribly wrong as the weekend progressed.  I called the doctor who told me to get to the hospital.  Everything became a whirlwind after I got to the hospital.  Tests were run and the doctor came in to let me know that Hannah would need to be delivered soon or we would both not make it.  I had pre-eclampsia and it was pretty advanced.  She had a 50% chance of survival after birth.  It all happened so fast.  All I remember was the doctors told us that if she cried when she was delivered it was a good sign so I lay there on the operating table praying that she would cry.  Seconds after delivery I heard a cry and I began to cry.  I also heard the nurses and doctors talking about how they had a feisty one on their hands and it made me smile.  Hannah would spend 96 grueling days in NICU with many ups and downs.  So many times we thought we may lose her but she fought for life like no other and would come home with her family weighing a little over 4 pounds at three months old. 

At 7 months of age she would have her first seizure.  It was terrifying.  I’ve had many terrifying experiences but nothing as terrifying as this one.  She was lying in bed next to me when I felt her go completely stiff and stop breathing.  This was the beginning of many terrifying moments over the next eight and a half years.  We would go through medication after medication trying to get control without much success.  Every med came with terrible side effects.  The ones that seemed to work best affected her in such a way that she was not the Hannah we all knew.  It was heart breaking to watch what she would go through.  At one point we had a medication that appeared to keep seizures at bay, but we had a zombie child on our hands and she was miserable all the time.  No seizures but no life.  Hannah would not have seizures daily or even often.  When she did have a seizure however it was usually a status seizure which would require an emergency hospital stay where we would have to be care flighted to Cook’s Children’s in Fort Worth.  We’d begin in the Pediatric ICU in a coma state and gradually be brought out in hopes that the status seizure did not return or that she would even regain consciousness.  Often Hannah would lose her ability to walk and talk correctly and have to relearn.  She always surprised us and fought her way back and regained any skills lost each time.  Often within days.

In 2009 Hannah would be blessed with a seizure and Autism assistance dog from 4paws for Ability.  That dog was a golden retriever named Koolio.  We still have him and he is the sweetest smartest dog you’ll ever meet.  It would be Koolio that would alert me to a seizure early the morning of January 13^th 2010 and give me the opportunity to spend some precious last moments with my beautiful girl.  I will forever be grateful that when Hannah had her last seizure before leaving this life she was not alone.  I had been alerted that one was coming hours before it happened.  I would ready all the things I needed in case it was a “big” one and it needed medial intervention to stop it.  I would then climb in bed next to my girl and wrap my arms around her and hold her close for what was the very last time.  Those precious moments comfort me to this day.

On January 16^th it became apparent that Hannah was not improving but getting worse.  Every few moments we got more and more bad news.  Her kidneys began shutting down on the 15^th.  She was not responding to attempts to bring her out of the coma she was in.  There were others but those were the two biggest.  I knew in my gut that this had been the one that got her.  This was the one she would not come back from.  Still I hoped.  I remember going into the parent shower in the ICU and kneeling in the corner praying for a miracle and telling God that if He was going to take Hannah home that He would need to give me the strength to survive it because I just didn’t know if I could.  The next day the doctors would tell us she was brain dead and we’d need to make the decision to let her go.  In a million years I would never have imagined we’d ever have to do something like that.  Make the decision to allow them to remove all life support from our girl and let her die in our arms.  It was unimaginable.  I’ve never felt such pain and defeat in my life.  My life changed that day forever.  We called in all of Hannah’s family, friends, and teachers.  Anyone that wanted to say goodbye to her.  Once everyone had the opportunity to do so we would go in as a family; David, myself, our boys, and Koolio.  We would all sit on a couch with Hannah in our laps.  I would sing our song, “I love my Hannah…she loves me too…I love my Hannah…in everything we do” for the very last time.  Her daddy would also sing to her while her brothers held onto her tight.  Koolio would lick her feet like he always did.  It was so like nothing you can ever imagine.  She would just peacefully stop breathing in our arms surrounded by a magnitude of love.

Hannah was a fighter.  She fought for life and she lived life like no other.  She seriously loved people and she made them feel special.   It’s so hard to describe.  You just had to experience her to understand.  She loved music; all kinds of music, shoes, school/learning, Sponge Bob, her brothers, and so many other things.  I often tell people that she was an angel sent smack from heaven to her momma.  I believe that with all of my heart.  Hannah came to me at a time in my life when I was severely depressed, barely functioning, and feeling like the world would be better off without me.  Watching Hannah fight for life the way she did inspired me to fight for mine.  She continues to inspire me.  I owe it to her to live every moment of this life if for no other reason than that she can’t.  I live for us both. 

To tell Hannah’s story is impossible to do in a short blog post. Ha!  I’ve tried to hit the highlights.  I wish you all could have known her.  She would have impacted your life in a positive way I am sure.  As our family maneuvers the coming days and celebrates an 18^th birthday without her I hope that you all will celebrate your own families and remember the blessings they are even in the hardest of times.  Don’t take a moment for granted.  Moms and dads get in those family photos.  Who cares what you look like!  Some day it may be all you have but the memories you hold dear in your heart and head.  Live, Love, Take Risks.  We are never promised tomorrow.  It sounds so cliché, but it is oh so true. 

To Hannah, you are missed and loved more than you can ever know.  I remain grateful for your life and love every day.  You were a force for life and inspiration to all that knew you.  I am a better person because I knew and loved you.  Thank you, sweet girl, for being you!  All my love always, momma.             

Muay Thai and Me

I've started a new activity...Muay Thai.  It's a martial art and involves kicking, punching, elbowing, and kneeing people/Thai pads.  Some people think I have lost my mind while others think it's pretty rad that I would choose to do something like Muay Thai at my age and physical state.  All I know is that when I am doing Muay Thai it feels right. 

I've spent most of my life trying to fit a mold that is impossible to fit.  I work hard to be acceptable to everyone I care about.  The environment I grew up in was not one that promoted nor celebrated individuality.  There was not a lot of room for someone that likes rock music, thinks tattoos are cool, enjoys sports (watching and playing them), and loves a good fight.  Any inclination that I was that person would mean I was rebelling and rejecting the faith and people I held so dear.  I couldn't risk that.  I loved them all too much.   

As my children have grown and my environment changed I have found it more acceptable to explore what it means to be me.  In December of 2017 I set out to improve my health and signed up with a nutrition company called Stronger U.  I believe that step took this journey of exploration and self-acceptance from neutral to drive.  I was stuck.  With SU there are a lot of us on this self exploration/acceptance journey.  At first I was frustrated by the whole "Be yourself.  Do the things you love." vibe of this group.  Eventually I couldn't get enough of it.  I've done and tried more than I ever believed I could in the last year and half.  It's crazy how surrounding yourself with people who have similar goals and are full of positive energy will move you to action.

One of those things that I did was to attend the Younique Foundation's Haven retreat.  In February I went to the retreat and did Muay Thai for the first time.  When I was punching, something happened in me.  Dead places came alive.  I did not understand it and still don't.  There was just this release that happened and it felt good.  I left that class feeling lighter and more free than I ever have I think.    When the retreat was over I shared the experience with my nutrition coach who in turn really encouraged me to pursue a class at home.  I listened for once and with each encouragement thought maybe I can just look around and see what I can find.  I inquired at several places and Arlington Muay Thai returned my call.  I in turn found the nerve to return theres after a few minutes of freaking out and set up a time to come try a class.  I tried and got hooked.  Not only was it fun but it offered help in all the areas I was working on:  my physical state, self-discipline and talk, and pushing myself out of my cave/comfort zone.  I learned that I needed to create new neuro-pathways in my brain affected by past trauma to heal and change at the Haven retreat.  Muay Thai embodies all of the practices needed to do that.  It also helps me with my overthinking and getting stuck in my head.  Muay Thai takes action.  There is not another activity I do that forces me out of my head like it does.

I wish I could tell you that I started this activity and haven't looked back.  I can't.  I've experienced a lot of  internal resistance.  I constantly doubt myself and wonder what those around me think.  It's both physically and mentally hard.  I'm not good at it.  My coordination stinks.  The list goes on.  None of this internal resistance is supported at Arlington Muay Thai though.  You can have all the internal resistance you want to, but it is not going to be nurtured or coddled.  Ha!  When I am there, what I hear is that I can do anything I set my mind to if I work hard, surround myself with positive people, and never ever give up.  There is no room for any other message. 

As odd as it may seem when I walk in that gym door I breathe differently.  It feels like walking in the door of your home after a long vacation or business trip.  I never expected it to feel that way.  I've only been around a month.  I'm guessing this is what it feels like when you set free a part of you that you've kept locked away.  If I can leave you with anything from this post I hope it is encouragement to try new things until you find "your thing".  Don't be afraid to start.  Who cares how old you are!  Who cares what other people think!  Who cares who misunderstands it!  Life is too short to continue to try to fit in molds that will never fit.  You deserve to do you.  Whatever that looks like.  You may not even know yet.  That's why you just have to start trying things until you find it.  Don't stay stuck in your cave wondering why you are miserable.  You're miserable because you're denying the essence of who you are.  Stop doing that!  Go find your thing and when you do you'll likely be scared.  Do it scared.  As my nutrition coach says....head down and do it!

Much Love!

MAC                     

                             

The Retreat - Love, Care, Power, Hope, and Acceptance

Some people are worried that I have flipped my lid.  I don't want anyone to worry.  Honestly for the first time in a very long time I feel like I am okay.  It's been so very long since I could say that and mean it.  

I recently went on the Haven retreat with the Younique Foundation.  I really had no idea what to expect from the experience.  I just knew that I wanted change and needed help.  I was tired of hating myself and feeling stuck in my past.  I went with the very specific goal to see if there was a way to lessen self-hatred because I was vicious with myself and it was holding me back from doing things I wanted to do.  I wanted to find a way to get unstuck and start moving forward.  I wanted to stop the cycle of two steps forward...three steps back.  I was ready for change and would do anything to find a way to make it.  So I flew to Utah and went to a retreat where I knew no one and had no clue what to expect.  Totally out of character for me.  It was one of the best decisions of my life. 

I have hated myself with a vengeance all my life and nothing I have done to try to combat it has worked.  It doesn't help that this hatred has a couple of best friends called perfectionism and self-neglect.  Partnered together they have been a formidable foe.  They leave me feeling hopeless that change is possible.  I have never felt acceptable and am constantly at war with myself over sharing my life, feelings, experiences with others.  I want to share.  I feel like I have a lot of information and life experiences that could help other people but I constantly second guess myself and quickly erase any sharing I do.  I also constantly look for ways to make people happy regardless of the personal cost to me.  As the years progress that cost grows and grows.  All these things combined make living in freedom impossible.    

On my first day at the retreat I met with the person assigned to me and she asked me what my goals were for the retreat.  I told her that if I could leave there hating myself just a little less and learn that change was possible I would count my time there as successful.  She smiled and said, "I think we can help with that."  

I was skeptical but I can honestly say that she was right.  They could help with my goals for the retreat.  I left there having learned and experienced several things....

• OMG, our brain.  I can't even begin to explain all I learned about trauma and the brain.  Just know that your brain did what it needed to when you experienced trauma and it can get stuck in the patterns it created to help you get through it.  The good news is that there are ways to change those patterns and create new pathways.  It Will take time and being very intentional, but it is possible! "The Body Keeps A Score," read it.  Life changing.   
• I'm not alone.  TYF#118 💜 
• If I will take care of my body, my mind will follow.  So doable!  Nutrition, Moving Body, Meditation/Affirmations, and Sleep are key.
• I fell in love with Muay Thai.  When I was 19 years old I had a life altering experience with someone I respected greatly.  It was at that time that I decided my lot in life was pain and there was not a thing I could do about it.  I have lived out of that powerlessness for nearly 29 years.  That day as I threw punches I felt an empowerment that I have never felt before.  I realized I didn't have to be powerless and I wanted more.  I go this week for my first Muay Thai class.       
• Change and freedom are possible.  I learned how to combat shame, that forgiveness was for me and not the people who hurt me, about grounding, and a plethora of other things that would take days to tell you about.  Life changing stuff!  

I'll leave you with this.  On the last day there I was in my group of 8 and our leaders handed us a stack of cards in small bags.  On these cards were statements on the front and back.  We could not go through the cards.  We were just to take one and let "God/Universe" decide what we got.  Here is a photo of the one I pulled out without even looking to see what they said.  As I looked at it I felt seen and understood.  I rested in the knowledge that I was supposed to be at this retreat and that I got exactly what I came for .  I now had hope that I can hate myself less and knowledge that the change I desired is possible.  Tell me if you think it was meant to be after you look at this photo.  I'm finally on a path to more self acceptance, love, and care and I believe with all my heart it only gets better from here.

         
Check out the Younique Foundation at https://youniquefoundation.org/ and share with anyone you may know that can use the experience.