Soon after meeting that goal my world became complete chaos. I was surprised to discover the emotions and behaviors tied to my weight. An onslaught of negativity and self hatred ensued. I soon realized that traumatic experiences I thought I had long dealt with and resolved were front and center. I was faced with two options; deal with this stuff and lose weight or quit.
Quitting was a consideration however briefly. Normally my needs would not enter the equation as I considered my options. I'd think about how my chaotic emotions and behaviors were affecting those around me and base my decision on the perceived impact for them. This time was different. I found myself considering the impact to myself more than others. When I did this there was only one option; deal with this "stuff" and lose weight.
As I began to deal with it I discovered that my identity has been tied in three things; fat, taking care of others (making them happy whatever the personal cost), and being a strong person. My identity is safe. It's been tested. Anytime I have moved out of it I've had to quickly move right back to what is expected of me to be acceptable. This weight loss process is messing with my identity. It will either eliminate or change each part...At some point I hope to no longer be fat. I am increasing self-care and that will change how I care for others. Although I will likely remain strong that strength will look different. Who am I when this happens? Will the changes be acceptable to others?
Despite all the chaotic emotions and struggles with how I manage them I feel a strength growing that I've never felt before. Somehow the fear and changes feel necessary. I feel empowered, equipped, and determined right in the midst of fear, inadequacy, and frustration. I can do this and I will be successful at it. The battle is in allowing myself to be where I am, the process to play out however it needs to, and being kind to and accepting of myself as changes are made, and a "new" Marcey emerges. I need to trust the people who love me and know that they love me enough to embrace the changes as well because they know I need them. My coach tells me to look in the mirror and tell myself I'm a bad ass. It's taken some convincing but I started doing that yesterday. It makes me laugh. I may not be a bad ass, but I can be if I want to be. I just have to let myself. I have to let go, deal with whatever comes up, and trust that when it is all said and done I will have the personal health and freedom I have always longed for but never believed I deserved or could attain.
So, here's to becoming a bad ass! I'll say it until it happens or I believe it...I am a BAD ASS!
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