Honesty

It's a rainy day and I've returned from a weekend full of relaxation and inspiration.  I'm pumped and ready to tackle all that has been weighing me down.  I hit my 50 pounds loss mark and that's quite an accomplishment.  I feel like I just might be able to meet my fitness goals after all...until Monday rolls around.  Life hits and everything I've ever done to manage it hits with it.  What's a person to do?

I'll tell you what I do.  I get in my head.  I start over thinking everything and before I know it I have decided that I can't do this.  That I should have never gone to the seminar.  The same seminar that I walked away from feeling pumped and excited about the future, ready to do whatever it takes to get the results I want.  Now I am convinced going was a mistake, that I'm a complete failure because I struggle, and there's no use in trying.  I end the day doing what I have done in the past.  I stop by the convenience store.  The same store I have not visited in months and my visits used to be an every day occurrence.  I buy ding dongs, diet soda, a candy bar, and two bags of chips, go home and start the binge.  Why?

I make a mistake and because I am in my head I decide that mistake is the sign of my demise.  You're probably shaking you head.  I am too as I write this. 

When I began this latest journey to lose weight I thought I would drop some pounds maybe.  I had no idea that I would have to change so much about how I manage my life, my thoughts, and more.  The truth is that weight for me is tied to so many things.  It's not just genetics, being lazy, or eating too much.  Although most of those are part of it and definitely contributing factors.  I find that I am having to face some things that I have ignored my whole life by hiding behind food.

Making these changes has resulted in some really rough moments.  I feel crazy a lot.  Like a fish out of water.  Everything I used to do to manage life and feelings has changed.  I'm learning new ways to manage but not fast enough I think.  Ha!  I try to keep remembering "that at first blush, going sane feels like going crazy" Julia Cameron.  There are also a few things that I have resisted that would be helpful.  I'm not sure why I am so resistant other than I'm scared.  Scared that I will be misunderstood, wrong, or will fail. 

I've had a lot of crappy stuff happen in my life.  The biggest was the loss of my daughter.  Sometimes, well a lot of the time actually, her loss feels like my ultimate failure and it's a big one.  In reality I know that her life and health were out of my control but at my core there feels like I should have been able to do something.  It makes it hard to give myself credit for any accomplishment when measured beside this "failure".  To even think of things as accomplishments that actually are: losing 50 pounds, not stopping by the convenience store for months, logging all my food, pushing myself to do things I was scared to do, and the list goes on. 

So, what do I do to change these things?  I really am not sure.  My nutrition coach keeps saying "embrace it".  I'm not 100% sure what that means exactly.  What does that look like?  One thing that I do think I have to do is open up.  That binge that I went on did nothing for me.  I kept eating and waiting to stop feeling.  Never happened.  I felt every ounce of what was weighing on me and the hate and awareness of what I was doing.  That's a change that is both scary and freeing at the same time.  I know this is going to be messy and I will live through it.  My hope is that I come out on the other side of all this with the life I was meant to have.   

I entitled this blog post Honesty because I'm not going to write what I think other people want to read or hear me say anymore.  Marcey has wore her neglect for herself and care for others as a badge of honor and path to acceptance her whole life.  I can't do that anymore and have the life I believe I am supposed to live.  I have no idea what I will look or feel like on the other side of this thing but that is okay.  I feel like I have been put on this path at this time for a reason and that the timing is meant to be.  Here's to a messy journey and one hell of a ride to dealing with the shit that got me here, goals met, better self care, and improved health!  ❤