I spent my childhood and teenage years gaining and losing weight. As I look back the gains and losses were in correlation to whatever was going on in my life at the time. When my life was predictable and stable I'd be down on my weight but as soon as things got rocky or bad my weight would increase.
As a married adult my weight has been on a steady increase with very few decreases. There have been lots of attempts to lose weight with no real success to speak of. As I look back I can see that the biggest increases coincide with very stressful times in my life. One of those stressful events was the loss of my 8 year old daughter Hannah to which I experienced my biggest gain and topped out at 335 pounds.
I have spent my life retreating and hiding. Never learning how to appropriately express my feelings, needs, or wants. Most of my relationships are superficial. I didn't have a long term best friend until I was 40 years old. I have a wonderful marriage but even my husband did not know a lot about what I thought or felt until recently. I'VE BEEN HIDING MY WHOLE LIFE.
It's not like I did not know that I was doing something that was more harm than good. I've hated myself for not being more open and real. For being a coward and hiding. For binge eating instead of feeling. I've felt like an impostor everywhere I go. Not because I try to act like someone else but more like I am not free to be my authentic self. What people see is not what I feel or who I see.
I've spent most of my life trying to prove that my experiences growing up did not affect me. I've been frustrated and livid every time I realize that they did indeed affect so much of how I manage and maneuver my life. I always felt that my retreating and hiding was a good thing. That it protected me as well as anyone else I cared about. When I spoke to my friend recently about this she said, "Really Marcey! They(people who hurt me) do not matter. They only matter if you give them significance. You don't even need to beat them if they don't matter." I left that conversation with a lot to think about. Why do I put my self worth in the hands of the insignificant?
This all came to a head recently. I have been doing a nutrition program since January. In this program I was assigned a coach. I was sitting at my desk stressed to the max about to down an entire bag of Oreo's when I texted my coach this, "I have got to find something else to do when I am stressed the !@#$ out. What the !@#$ do people do besides eat"? He immediately responded and talked me through alternatives. I figured I'd do what he said and come back and eat the Oreo's. "Stupid nutrition coach...what does he know about binge eating!" That didn't happen though. His suggestions worked. There were alternatives to binge eating and they were healthy, didn't involve food, and worked quite well!
In the coming days I would wrestle with these realizations, admit that I had been wrong about many things and make some different decisions about them.
1. I would decide that retreating and hiding was not helpful and that doing so with food was impacting both my physical and mental health.
2. I would decide that the people that hurt me do not matter and it was time for me to quit giving them run of my life.
3. I would decide that I was wrong and that there are workable alternatives to binge eating and I need to incorporate them in my daily life. I would accept help while I learn new ways of handling my emotions without food.
4. I would decide to let myself ask questions even if they may appear odd or no-brainer to most people. I needed to know. I never learned some of the things that healthy functioning adults do about self care and I was going to have to be okay with not knowing. Allow myself to be a beginner.
5. I was going to allow myself to do whatever I needed to do to improve my health. Forgive myself for past failures and stop using past painful experiences as excuses for my self harm.
These are just a start. I have so much to learn and so many decisions to reverse about what I have believed about myself and my experiences in life. It's a good thing I like to learn. I posted my first "odd" question on a Facebook group for the nutrition program I am doing. The question, "what do you do when you are disappointed in yourself?" It was a huge step for me to do this but I'm so glad I did. The answers were insightful and I learned that I am not a "special snowflake" (what my coach calls me when I think I am the only one) and that my question wasn't all that odd at all.
This is not the journey I envisioned when I started working on these things in January. It's so much more and I feel a strength growing in me daily. I'm not gonna lie. I am scared. I'm also excited and hopeful. There's a saying that I keep playing in my head right now and that is, "Do it Scared". I've always wanted to feel free and I think if I can do it scared I can get there. I will know what it's like to be free!
If you need to lose weight or get fit you should look into Stronger U. I can't recommend the program enough! Look them up and see what they are about. Ask me questions. It's so much more than just a diet! It is a way to change your life if you want to change it.
1. I would decide that retreating and hiding was not helpful and that doing so with food was impacting both my physical and mental health.
2. I would decide that the people that hurt me do not matter and it was time for me to quit giving them run of my life.
3. I would decide that I was wrong and that there are workable alternatives to binge eating and I need to incorporate them in my daily life. I would accept help while I learn new ways of handling my emotions without food.
4. I would decide to let myself ask questions even if they may appear odd or no-brainer to most people. I needed to know. I never learned some of the things that healthy functioning adults do about self care and I was going to have to be okay with not knowing. Allow myself to be a beginner.
5. I was going to allow myself to do whatever I needed to do to improve my health. Forgive myself for past failures and stop using past painful experiences as excuses for my self harm.
These are just a start. I have so much to learn and so many decisions to reverse about what I have believed about myself and my experiences in life. It's a good thing I like to learn. I posted my first "odd" question on a Facebook group for the nutrition program I am doing. The question, "what do you do when you are disappointed in yourself?" It was a huge step for me to do this but I'm so glad I did. The answers were insightful and I learned that I am not a "special snowflake" (what my coach calls me when I think I am the only one) and that my question wasn't all that odd at all.
This is not the journey I envisioned when I started working on these things in January. It's so much more and I feel a strength growing in me daily. I'm not gonna lie. I am scared. I'm also excited and hopeful. There's a saying that I keep playing in my head right now and that is, "Do it Scared". I've always wanted to feel free and I think if I can do it scared I can get there. I will know what it's like to be free!
If you need to lose weight or get fit you should look into Stronger U. I can't recommend the program enough! Look them up and see what they are about. Ask me questions. It's so much more than just a diet! It is a way to change your life if you want to change it.
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