I'm closing in on one year since I started the Stronger U Nutrition program. I have experienced more success than I have at any other time in my life when pursuing weight loss. I've learned more about nutrition and health than I could have ever imagined. Information that I can trust and fairly easily implement. Yep, you heard me, I used the word easily. I think that's been the hardest thing for me to accept. Losing weight is not hard itself. It's all the other stuff that makes it hard. The bad habits, life experiences, environment, etc. That stuff makes it hard. But losing weight itself is not that complicated. Believe me I wanted to believe it was hard. I fought for that belief. It's just not the hard part. The hard part is changing.
I have learned a lot about myself and how I got to this place. It has not been a fun realization. It's been difficult and frustrating mostly. Every time I look back I get angry that I allowed myself to get to this place. I don't look back much anymore except to understand. Then I move on to making much needed changes. I can't do much about the past anyway. I have wasted a lot of time thinking I'm different, this won't work for me, and a lot of other nonsense. I've had so many excuses. When I shift my focus to my pursuit for health instead of what got me to this place this journey becomes more productive.
The holidays are hard for me. I lost my eight year old daughter to a seizure in January of 2010. It was a life altering loss and I have never felt secure in anything since. If you have ever experienced profound grief you know that it never goes away. It gets better at times but it is a sneaky little devil and will hit you when you least expect it. Managing those times has been one of the biggest challenges of my life. I have a binge eating disorder and it is most activated when I am grieving. I try to prepare myself around this time of year because the triggers are everywhere but last week I found myself experiencing one of the strongest bouts of grief I have ever experienced. I panicked at it's intensity. I wasn't sure what to do. I made myself think rationally though and said, "just try anything that is not unhealthy you can think of until you find something that works." I was determined to do something different this time. The first thing I did was open up and ask for support. Not something I do easily. I am not good at sharing struggles with other people. I usually hide out and eat until I can't anymore. I posted on Facebook a need for prayers/support and I got it. Next I let myself cry. I usually fight and do anything I can to hold back the tears, but it's inevitable so I just let myself do it this time. I then went home, got on my elliptical, worked out, read, ate a healthy dinner, wrote, watched TV, and went to bed. Not an ounce of binging or hiding took place. I woke up the next morning feeling no shame, still grieving, but so excited that my attempt to do different worked. I got through a powerful moment of grief in a helpful and healthy way. Progress!
I have a lot of weight to lose. I'm not exaggerating. It's a lot. I'm doing it for my health. I have a lot of life left to live and my weight has kept me from doing so many of the things I want to do. I recently spoke to a SU member who has lost 200 pounds and his advice to me was to take it day to day and not think about the amount I need to lose. If you think about the fact that you need to lose an entire person you'll get overwhelmed. I think about what he said to me multiple times a day. It helps me keep things in perspective. He did it. I can too. So many times I talk myself out of believing this is possible though. My coach tells me often that I get in my own way. He's right. My attitude about myself and what I need to do to reach my goals definitely makes this pursuit more difficult. My actions are based in fear. I'm afraid to fail and I'm afraid to succeed. Tough place to be. When I am in that place I look for any excuse I can come up with. I can sure find a lot of them too. Definitely an area to work on. I must stay out of my own way or I will not get what I want.
I saw the above posted meme and it struck me. I think one of the keys for me going forward will be to stop looking for reasons to fold. I'll always be able to find them if I want to. Those reasons will not help me move toward health at all though. Instead I need to look for reasons to play. Just like reasons to fold I can always find them if I want to. It's my choice. I can choose more of the same and do what I have always done or I can choose different and move myself toward better health. I want good health and to be able to do things I want to do that I can't right now. No more folding. It's time to play!
If you are reading this that means I finally decided to share it. Please don't hesitate to share your thoughts with me. I'd love to hear them and learn from you anything I can. I hope that if you are often struggling and getting in your own way that you will read something here that will encourage you to stop folding and start playing!
God Bless!
MAC
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