The Retreat - Love, Care, Power, Hope, and Acceptance

Some people are worried that I have flipped my lid.  I don't want anyone to worry.  Honestly for the first time in a very long time I feel like I am okay.  It's been so very long since I could say that and mean it.  

I recently went on the Haven retreat with the Younique Foundation.  I really had no idea what to expect from the experience.  I just knew that I wanted change and needed help.  I was tired of hating myself and feeling stuck in my past.  I went with the very specific goal to see if there was a way to lessen self-hatred because I was vicious with myself and it was holding me back from doing things I wanted to do.  I wanted to find a way to get unstuck and start moving forward.  I wanted to stop the cycle of two steps forward...three steps back.  I was ready for change and would do anything to find a way to make it.  So I flew to Utah and went to a retreat where I knew no one and had no clue what to expect.  Totally out of character for me.  It was one of the best decisions of my life. 

I have hated myself with a vengeance all my life and nothing I have done to try to combat it has worked.  It doesn't help that this hatred has a couple of best friends called perfectionism and self-neglect.  Partnered together they have been a formidable foe.  They leave me feeling hopeless that change is possible.  I have never felt acceptable and am constantly at war with myself over sharing my life, feelings, experiences with others.  I want to share.  I feel like I have a lot of information and life experiences that could help other people but I constantly second guess myself and quickly erase any sharing I do.  I also constantly look for ways to make people happy regardless of the personal cost to me.  As the years progress that cost grows and grows.  All these things combined make living in freedom impossible.    

On my first day at the retreat I met with the person assigned to me and she asked me what my goals were for the retreat.  I told her that if I could leave there hating myself just a little less and learn that change was possible I would count my time there as successful.  She smiled and said, "I think we can help with that."  

I was skeptical but I can honestly say that she was right.  They could help with my goals for the retreat.  I left there having learned and experienced several things....

• OMG, our brain.  I can't even begin to explain all I learned about trauma and the brain.  Just know that your brain did what it needed to when you experienced trauma and it can get stuck in the patterns it created to help you get through it.  The good news is that there are ways to change those patterns and create new pathways.  It Will take time and being very intentional, but it is possible! "The Body Keeps A Score," read it.  Life changing.   
• I'm not alone.  TYF#118 💜 
• If I will take care of my body, my mind will follow.  So doable!  Nutrition, Moving Body, Meditation/Affirmations, and Sleep are key.
• I fell in love with Muay Thai.  When I was 19 years old I had a life altering experience with someone I respected greatly.  It was at that time that I decided my lot in life was pain and there was not a thing I could do about it.  I have lived out of that powerlessness for nearly 29 years.  That day as I threw punches I felt an empowerment that I have never felt before.  I realized I didn't have to be powerless and I wanted more.  I go this week for my first Muay Thai class.       
• Change and freedom are possible.  I learned how to combat shame, that forgiveness was for me and not the people who hurt me, about grounding, and a plethora of other things that would take days to tell you about.  Life changing stuff!  

I'll leave you with this.  On the last day there I was in my group of 8 and our leaders handed us a stack of cards in small bags.  On these cards were statements on the front and back.  We could not go through the cards.  We were just to take one and let "God/Universe" decide what we got.  Here is a photo of the one I pulled out without even looking to see what they said.  As I looked at it I felt seen and understood.  I rested in the knowledge that I was supposed to be at this retreat and that I got exactly what I came for .  I now had hope that I can hate myself less and knowledge that the change I desired is possible.  Tell me if you think it was meant to be after you look at this photo.  I'm finally on a path to more self acceptance, love, and care and I believe with all my heart it only gets better from here.

         
Check out the Younique Foundation at https://youniquefoundation.org/ and share with anyone you may know that can use the experience.