Hello! Been a while, I know. Life does its thing, and
blogging just wasn't going to happen. You know the drill. I spill out my guts
and see where we land in the end.
I love to read, but I have a therapist who keeps asking me
to read books that dig at my guts. You know what I mean? It’s those books that
gut you and leave you trying to figure out what the heck just happened. Well,
this one is a tiny book that has taken me forever to read, and I am still not
done. Seriously, the book is like five chapters and 100 pages, and I have been
trying to get through it for several months now. I normally read a book of this
size in a couple of hours. The book is called Surrender to Love by David
G. Benner.
In the beginning, I thought it was going to be another book
telling me how I was doing everything wrong. It was not that at all. I think he
gets it. He makes comments like, “The deepest need for all human beings is to
surrender to perfect love. That need—and love itself—will, however, be
experienced differently by different people.” What? You mean there is not a
“right or universal” way to experience the love of God? Who knew?! I did! I
wanted to scream, “YES! It can’t possibly be the same for everyone because we
are different and have not had the same experiences with love!” Why do we
expect everyone to come to God the same way? Why is my way any less valid than
anyone else’s? As long as it leads us to Him, shouldn’t that be all that
matters? He goes on to talk about how developing a love relationship with God
is not easy. He states, “Actually, coming to develop a love relationship with
the invisible God is far from simple. It doesn’t happen automatically for
anyone.” (emphasis mine) Amen!
The chapter on fear took me out, though. I couldn’t believe
how much I found myself in what he wrote. I could only read it a page or two at
a time. I don’t know if anyone knows this about me, but I don’t enjoy feelings.
I don’t like to feel bad, sad, angry, or even happy. I know that seems strange
to a lot of people, but I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. While
reading this chapter, I felt so exposed. I had never thought that my dislike
for emotions had anything to do with fear, but this chapter made me think about
it—and I didn’t like what I thought.
The author says, “Although the object of one’s fear may seem
to be external, the real source of the fear is internal. The danger is within.
The enemy is oneself—or at least some aspect of the self. Often, the part of
the self that is most disturbing for people plagued with fear is their
emotions. Typically, they fear the strength of their feelings, particularly
those associated with impulses to action.... People attempt to shut down all
feelings and thereby eliminate the urges that lie behind them. This compounds
the sense of danger because now they also fear a lapse of control.”
And that is why this chapter took me out. I have experienced
the power and wrath of mishandled emotions and unbridled impulses at the hands
of others, and it impacted me in such a way that I never want to be the reason
another person experiences what I did. I don’t trust myself, so it feels safer
not to feel, accept love, etc. I feel dangerous to others, even though I’ve
rarely allowed myself to fully express my feelings or act on impulses. I am
afraid of myself, and I believe that if I allow myself to feel, I will become a
danger to the people I care about or lose control and act in ways I find
unacceptable. This has been the subject of journal entries for weeks as I try
to unpack it all.
Later, he talks about how the only true antidote to fear is
perfect love. He says that God’s love has no strings attached. He simply loves
humans, and nothing we do or don’t do will change His love for us. He discusses
how God loves sinners, delights in second chances, and never tires of pursuing
us—even when we have nothing to offer. That is not the picture of God I hold in
my mind. Why don’t I know that God? I think growing up in a very conservative
religious organization that set standards to “please God” created this image of
God in my mind—waiting for me to mess up, rolling His eyes when I couldn’t
follow a rule, and growing tired of my constant failures.
We were also taught to fear other Christians, as they were
deceivers who could lead us astray. I remember the first time I got close to
another Christian who was not of the faith I grew up with. I was shocked by the
view of God they held. It was totally different from my view of God, and I
really liked their God better than mine. I just didn’t know how to find Him. As
an adult, and having been away from it for nearly 15 years, I see how that view
was shaped and used to control me—to make me compliant so that people got what
they wanted from me. The view I had made me constantly fear failure and led me
to believe that when bad things happened, it was because God was displeased
with me.
People make fun of “deconstructing faith,” but that is
exactly what that movement is about. People are trying to find God and know Him
for who He really is because they were lied to for most of their lives. While I
am still on this journey to know God for who He truly is, I am trying not to be
angry that I am nearly 55 years old and in this place. I am angry, though. I
feel completely lost in my faith and am flailing around like a brand-new
Christian trying to figure out how to live. It just feels wrong, and God help
me—maybe I’m a little bitter about it too.
There is so much more to talk about when it comes to this
book. I am a little more than halfway through, so I’m sure I will be back to
share more at some point. I think what drove me to blog about it is that I felt
so seen and exposed. I felt like someone understood why I struggle so much with
community, vulnerability, love, and God. But I didn’t feel judged for being
where I am in all of this. The author seems to simply want me to know that I am
loved, and that this love is more than I could have ever hoped for—it’s free to
me. I don’t have to do anything to earn it. I just have to allow myself to be
loved.
Most importantly, that God is okay with me being in this
place. He’s not mad about it. He’s not tired of me trying to figure it all out.
He just loves me and is with me in whatever state I’m in. Hearing that hasn’t
magically made everything better, but I am learning to relax and let myself go
through the process—whatever it will look like. I’m trying to give myself
permission to be in this place, knowing it won’t last forever. I’ll come out on
the other side eventually, and it will all be okay. Most of all, I believe I
will know who God is and truly feel loved by Him.
If you’ve read this far, I hope you’re able to imagine God’s
love for you and can be transformed by the knowledge that you are loved, no
matter what state you’re in. Relax in the struggle and remember—you are not
alone. It’s okay. God never turns away. Regardless of what you’ve been told, He
is there loving on you. You just have to believe it. I know it’s hard to do
sometimes, but just let yourself when you can. You don’t have to do it
perfectly.
I want to leave you with this song. Much Love, Mac
I
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