Old Voices...Tyranny of the Past

I set out on a journey a little under two years ago.  It was a journey to improve my overall health.  I lost weight, learned things about health I never knew before, and built strength and began moving like I haven't in years. I started doing a martial art called Muay Thai and loving it.   It did something for me physically and mentally that no other activity could do.  Sounds great right?  It was!

Yep...WAS!  Somewhere over the last few months I found myself slipping.  It scared me but didn't stop me.  I was terrified of gaining the weight I lost back.  Still I faltered time after time.  I was spiraling and I could not figure out why.  Each passing day led to more defeat and disappointment.  I found myself isolating and stopped doing activities I enjoyed.  I quit talking to my nutrition coach except when he reached out to me, stopped going to Muay Thai, didn't post on facebook groups, and just basically quit doing all the things that had led to my success.  Why?      

Why, is the million dollar question.  As I had a text conversation with my nutrition coach today none of my actions or reasons made sense.  I had no clue why.  He suggested I go write, and I did.  I put away my work and sat down with pen and paper in hand and let it all flow.  A few pages into my rambling I began to get some clarity of sorts.  What changed I asked myself over and over and wrote whatever came through my pen.  I was totally stream of conscious writing at this point.  Before long I was writing about how the only thing that changed was what I was telling myself about my situation.  WHAT?  There is no way that is the problem.  I kept writing.  It became more and more clear as I wrote.  Yep, the problem is what I am telling myself.  I had let my focus shift and slowly I became consumed with all those negative voices of the past that tore me down and never gave me a chance to succeed.  Their words dominated my thoughts.  They became my influence.  The positive voices that had spoken into my life for nearly two years became nonexistant and when they did appear I dismissed them as not knowing me or not getting it.  I was acting like the old Marcey.  I was focusing on the old and not building the new.  I was no longer working on the change I so desperately desired. 

In the "Body Keeps The Score" Dr. Van Der Kolk states this “In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them. Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past.” This statement is so powerful to me. It explains why when I let my focus shift from the present influences(health, nutrition, fitness, Muay Thai) to the past influences, I began losing focus, regressing, and feeling like my goals were impossible to reach. That I was an exception to the rule and it was useless for me to even try. I had taken quitting off the table only to put it right back on it again. Taking care of myself physically and mentally is not an option. It is a neccessity. That is a fact.


What have I decided to do about all of this? That's not a hard question to answer. I am going to go back and pick up where I left off when I decided the past had more merit than the present. I am going to chat with my nutrition coach and work my nutrition program, go back to Muay Thai, move everyday, post on my facebook groups, write, blog, do therapy, and see my doctors as needed. I will do all the hard things because I can and will be better for it. I will check with the new voices in my life before giving merit to the old voices, and most of all I will give myself some grace to do the best I can and know that my best is enough. I will always be enough and that is all I should ever ask of myself.

I'm so grateful to too many people to name. Thank you for supporting me, 

teaching me, helping me, and believing in me.