Fear has been an enemy of mine for most of my life. It has dictated decisions, kept me from doing things I really wanted to do, and at times it has completely controlled my life. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of losing another child, fear, fear, fear. It's like an old toxic friend that you know you need to remove from you life but you just can't let yourself do it. Well, fear and I have been at war lately.
I'm a dreamer, an idealist. Fear and those two things just don't work well together. I find myself constantly disappointed or feeling unfulfilled because I am just too afraid to try something, to take that leap of faith and pursue a goal, dream, or an ideal. Every now and then I'll kick fear to the curb or I'll just do whatever scared, but then the fear and doubt are always knocking at the door, or more like breaking the door down. To say I am a fearful person bothers me, but I can't change something I do not acknowledge.
I've struggled with my weight most of my life. Even when I wasn't overweight, I truly felt that I was. When I looked in the mirror I saw a fat girl. I've never been happy with how I look; not unusual for women I know. This goes way beyond not being happy with myself though and turned into an incredible self hatred. That in turn led me to just flat out viciously bully myself. The things I say to myself would get me thrown in jail if I said them to someone else. Yet, I justify them because I am saying them to myself.
It's like my own personal prison. I long for the day I am free but I am afraid of that day also. At least in my prison I am protected. The only person who can hurt me is me. And there it is...my discovery of why I operate the way I do; this fear and self hatred allow me to feel a safety that I just don't want to give up. I'll hurt myself before I let you hurt me. I'll say those awful things about myself before I let you do it. You won't be saying anything that I haven't already said to myself. But that safety comes at a great cost. It costs me health, opportunities, relationships, unmet goals, unfulfilled dreams, and more. I have a decision to make. Do I want out of prison or not?
I started one of many weight loss journeys in January. It's one that I had started before and gave up on but decided to give it another shot because it was working when I was doing it. This time I had a goal that I wanted to meet and it motivated me to try again. Unfortunately fear and self-hatred joined with me. To say this has been a rough ride would be an understatement. I have fought with self-doubt and hatred continually though this process and some days they just about do me in but they're not winning. I'm staying the course thanks to a supportive husband, a great program with a coach that is routing for me every step of the way, and a community of safe people to go to when I need to ask a question or just need encouragement. I'm a little over a pound away from my first goal that I set. I started this program at over 335(that was not easy to type) and as of today I am 301.6. I'm in week 30. As you can see I have a very long ways to go but I have been trying to get under that 300 mark for over 10 years. 10 years of constant dieting attempts, failures, vicious self bullying, and unfulfilled dreams. For the first time I am succeeding. Today I am making the decision, I am getting out of prison. It won't be easy and I've got a lot of work to do but I'm getting out. Fear and self-hatred will undoubtedly get out with me but I think that is okay. They'll be unwelcome more and more as time progresses. They'll visit, I'll greet them, and then find a way to get rid of them. :-)
I hope that if you are in a prison of your own that you will examine why you are there and whether you want to get out. I think we all deserve a chance to be free.
I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes and a bible verse.
Fear is what blocks an artist. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of not finishing. The fear of failure and of success. The fear of beginning at all. There is only one cure for fear. The cure is love...Stop yelling at yourself. Be nice..." Julia Cameron
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Psalms 34:4 I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.
I have to give a shout out to the wonderful program that is helping me on my weight loss journey. StrongerU I'd highly recommend it. It's changing my life in ways I never dreamed were possible.
God bless and thank you for reading.
Mac
Sunday, July 22, 2018
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Five Years...I've survived - January 17th
Five years ago around this time, I was told my 8 year old daughter would not survive the status seizure she had on Jan. 13th. It wasn’t her first status seizure. She had many in her 8 years. Each time we held our breath and prayed that she’d wake up and we’d go home. So many times she did just that. Not this time however. This time her kidneys would stop working, then her liver, and then her lungs. This time she would not wake up. Her daddy and I would have to make the decision to take her off life support. I never dreamed in a million years we’d have to do something like that. No parent does. I can tell you that it is the single most horrific experience of a lifetime. It feels both cruel and kind at the same time. My baby girl was going to die and I’d never play with her, sing to her, take her to school, fix her chicken, or kiss her beautiful forehead ever again. Not in this life.
I wasn’t prepared for the massive hole in my world that her death would bring. Its five years into this thing and that hole is just as big as it always was. I’ve tried hard to find ways to honor her life any way I can. Even through the work I do on a daily basis at my job. Still the hole remains and I’ve decided it will always exist. It’s another reminder that I loved that girl so much. I sure did and do love my Hannah.
I was told that we’d find a new normal. I resisted it for a while, but it is true. You do eventually settle into a new way of life. You do holidays differently, you build cemetery visits into your calendar, and you create new relationships. That’s something else, as a special needs parent you are so consumed with your child, and you build these friendships through forums, and websites, and face to face groups, and then your child is gone. The need for those daily interactions with people that had been your lifeline is gone or it changes; becomes awkward. You are living their worst nightmare. Everything changes while you long for what was. You wouldn’t in a minute trade the worst days with your child all added together over this. You’d choose every hard moment all over again if given the choice, but you’re not given the choice. You’re only choice is to figure out how to do life without your beautiful child.
Epilepsy is evil. When Hannah had her first seizure the neurologist that saw her told me, “you can’t die from a seizure.” I remember so many times using his comments to relieve my anxiety. On my bad days I want to take him straight to my daughter’s grave and have him look me in the eye and say that now. I’ve written him a letter asking him to never tell a parent that again, that doing so actually puts their child in danger, and that he is not helping. He never responded. Not surprised. Not enough research is being done. More now than in the past though, and my prayer is that it continues. I can tell you that living in the epilepsy world is not a fun thing. Fighting for medications, fighting for treatments, fighting with people to understand how serious it is because they’ve been misinformed for years, and watching people die and it be treated as one of the minimal risks of life with epilepsy. It’s infuriating, and needs to change.
I said all that to say this, I’ve survived the death of my daughter, I’ve created a new normal, and I have a good life. I have a wonderful marriage to my husband of almost 25 years, I have two great boys, fantastic friends, a great church, and a house I love. I am a business owner, and an advocate for families who live with epilepsy, and I mentor and am on the board of an organization that helps those who have suffered sexual violence. We help them get their lives back. I have a good life. If you had told me this is what my life looked last post Hannah, I’d have said you were crazy. Hannah was my life. I felt like she was my purpose. When she was gone, I felt totally lost, like my purpose for living was lost. But I am here, and I’m happy. I miss her like crazy, but I’ve made it.
I’ve made it because people who didn’t even know Hannah came beside me and loved me. They supported and knew I’d need to find a new normal. They helped me. I’ve made it because my old friends who knew Hannah send me messages and remind me of how much she meant to them and the things she did that impacted their lives. I’ve made it because I have a faith that gives me hope that although I will not see Hannah in this life, I will see my girl again. I’ve made it because I decided the best thing I can do for Hannah now is to honor her life and live life the way she did; facing whatever came her way with a smile on her face and love in her heart. I’ve made it because that same stubborn determination I so admired in my girl, was a gene passed to her from me. I’ve made it because I had to. The alternative was not an option. I’ve made it.
To my sweet sweet Hannah…It’s been 5 years and we’re still surviving your loss beautiful girl. I would have never thought we could. You taught me how. Thank you! It’s because of all that you showed me and taught me through your life that I can be happy in your absence. I still feel guilty sometimes for being happy, but then I think about you and know that I’m happy because I had you.
I wasn’t prepared for the massive hole in my world that her death would bring. Its five years into this thing and that hole is just as big as it always was. I’ve tried hard to find ways to honor her life any way I can. Even through the work I do on a daily basis at my job. Still the hole remains and I’ve decided it will always exist. It’s another reminder that I loved that girl so much. I sure did and do love my Hannah.
I was told that we’d find a new normal. I resisted it for a while, but it is true. You do eventually settle into a new way of life. You do holidays differently, you build cemetery visits into your calendar, and you create new relationships. That’s something else, as a special needs parent you are so consumed with your child, and you build these friendships through forums, and websites, and face to face groups, and then your child is gone. The need for those daily interactions with people that had been your lifeline is gone or it changes; becomes awkward. You are living their worst nightmare. Everything changes while you long for what was. You wouldn’t in a minute trade the worst days with your child all added together over this. You’d choose every hard moment all over again if given the choice, but you’re not given the choice. You’re only choice is to figure out how to do life without your beautiful child.
Epilepsy is evil. When Hannah had her first seizure the neurologist that saw her told me, “you can’t die from a seizure.” I remember so many times using his comments to relieve my anxiety. On my bad days I want to take him straight to my daughter’s grave and have him look me in the eye and say that now. I’ve written him a letter asking him to never tell a parent that again, that doing so actually puts their child in danger, and that he is not helping. He never responded. Not surprised. Not enough research is being done. More now than in the past though, and my prayer is that it continues. I can tell you that living in the epilepsy world is not a fun thing. Fighting for medications, fighting for treatments, fighting with people to understand how serious it is because they’ve been misinformed for years, and watching people die and it be treated as one of the minimal risks of life with epilepsy. It’s infuriating, and needs to change.
I said all that to say this, I’ve survived the death of my daughter, I’ve created a new normal, and I have a good life. I have a wonderful marriage to my husband of almost 25 years, I have two great boys, fantastic friends, a great church, and a house I love. I am a business owner, and an advocate for families who live with epilepsy, and I mentor and am on the board of an organization that helps those who have suffered sexual violence. We help them get their lives back. I have a good life. If you had told me this is what my life looked last post Hannah, I’d have said you were crazy. Hannah was my life. I felt like she was my purpose. When she was gone, I felt totally lost, like my purpose for living was lost. But I am here, and I’m happy. I miss her like crazy, but I’ve made it.
I’ve made it because people who didn’t even know Hannah came beside me and loved me. They supported and knew I’d need to find a new normal. They helped me. I’ve made it because my old friends who knew Hannah send me messages and remind me of how much she meant to them and the things she did that impacted their lives. I’ve made it because I have a faith that gives me hope that although I will not see Hannah in this life, I will see my girl again. I’ve made it because I decided the best thing I can do for Hannah now is to honor her life and live life the way she did; facing whatever came her way with a smile on her face and love in her heart. I’ve made it because that same stubborn determination I so admired in my girl, was a gene passed to her from me. I’ve made it because I had to. The alternative was not an option. I’ve made it.
To my sweet sweet Hannah…It’s been 5 years and we’re still surviving your loss beautiful girl. I would have never thought we could. You taught me how. Thank you! It’s because of all that you showed me and taught me through your life that I can be happy in your absence. I still feel guilty sometimes for being happy, but then I think about you and know that I’m happy because I had you.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Failure
Failure is such an ugly word, and experiencing it can stop you in your tracks. The last time I wrote here, I thought I had found the answer to all my fitness woes. The fact is in the last two and half month I gained back 9 of the 20 something pounds I managed to lose. It's really embarrassing and disheartening. Life happened. I lost one of my dearest friends, I took over a business, and I began planning a 5k in memory of Hannah. When I am overwhelmed the person that gets neglected most is me. Somehow I have got to stop neglecting myself in the face of stress and use it as a trigger to really focus on self care. I've learned a lot about fitness, but there is so much more I need to learn. My prayer today is that God will put me in a place and surround me with the people that can teach me and encourage me to stay on this journey. I believe he has already and will only add to that support system. It's just time for me to dig deep, search myself, and discover something that will work for me. I do not want to keep living like this. Hannah's gone, but I'm still here for a reason. Giving up isn't an option. Prayers appreciated as I try to figure out the best path to take on this journey. Sorry to anyone I have disappointed. This is only a setback. I will stay on this journey until I reach my goal of fitness. That I can promise. <3
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Welcome to Mac's place
Welcome to Mac's place. When I decided on Mac's Place as the title for my blog I couldn't stop smiling. I imagined a cozy coffee shop or cafe where people meet, have a great cup of coffee or meal, and share their lives with others. I LOVE people...all kinds of people...in every stage and circumstance, and I love sharing in their lives. I'm so excited about this venture, and can't wait to see how things progress.
My life is a plethora of happenings. My interests and activities are ever changing. I'm in the process of walking in God's purpose for my life. I am striving to live a more healthy lifestyle, changing the way I think, learning how to live in the face of great loss, reversing the effects of past abuse in my life, and most importantly I'm discovering the true nature of my Father in heaven. In the face of all that, I also own a business that is fulfilling and helps me live out my purpose and honor the life of my daughter Hannah everyday. To narrow the content of a blog to one subject was an impossible feat, so I won't even attempt it. This will be a blog where I share whatever is on my heart when I sit down to write. Life really is a journey! If you want to join my journey, here's your invitation! Jump on in, buckle up, and get ready for an adventure!
God Bless,
Mac
Love this quote from Joyce Meyer Ministries - Loving people is the highest level of spiritual warfare that we could ever do.
My life is a plethora of happenings. My interests and activities are ever changing. I'm in the process of walking in God's purpose for my life. I am striving to live a more healthy lifestyle, changing the way I think, learning how to live in the face of great loss, reversing the effects of past abuse in my life, and most importantly I'm discovering the true nature of my Father in heaven. In the face of all that, I also own a business that is fulfilling and helps me live out my purpose and honor the life of my daughter Hannah everyday. To narrow the content of a blog to one subject was an impossible feat, so I won't even attempt it. This will be a blog where I share whatever is on my heart when I sit down to write. Life really is a journey! If you want to join my journey, here's your invitation! Jump on in, buckle up, and get ready for an adventure!
God Bless,
Mac
Love this quote from Joyce Meyer Ministries - Loving people is the highest level of spiritual warfare that we could ever do.
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