Honesty

It's a rainy day and I've returned from a weekend full of relaxation and inspiration.  I'm pumped and ready to tackle all that has been weighing me down.  I hit my 50 pounds loss mark and that's quite an accomplishment.  I feel like I just might be able to meet my fitness goals after all...until Monday rolls around.  Life hits and everything I've ever done to manage it hits with it.  What's a person to do?

I'll tell you what I do.  I get in my head.  I start over thinking everything and before I know it I have decided that I can't do this.  That I should have never gone to the seminar.  The same seminar that I walked away from feeling pumped and excited about the future, ready to do whatever it takes to get the results I want.  Now I am convinced going was a mistake, that I'm a complete failure because I struggle, and there's no use in trying.  I end the day doing what I have done in the past.  I stop by the convenience store.  The same store I have not visited in months and my visits used to be an every day occurrence.  I buy ding dongs, diet soda, a candy bar, and two bags of chips, go home and start the binge.  Why?

I make a mistake and because I am in my head I decide that mistake is the sign of my demise.  You're probably shaking you head.  I am too as I write this. 

When I began this latest journey to lose weight I thought I would drop some pounds maybe.  I had no idea that I would have to change so much about how I manage my life, my thoughts, and more.  The truth is that weight for me is tied to so many things.  It's not just genetics, being lazy, or eating too much.  Although most of those are part of it and definitely contributing factors.  I find that I am having to face some things that I have ignored my whole life by hiding behind food.

Making these changes has resulted in some really rough moments.  I feel crazy a lot.  Like a fish out of water.  Everything I used to do to manage life and feelings has changed.  I'm learning new ways to manage but not fast enough I think.  Ha!  I try to keep remembering "that at first blush, going sane feels like going crazy" Julia Cameron.  There are also a few things that I have resisted that would be helpful.  I'm not sure why I am so resistant other than I'm scared.  Scared that I will be misunderstood, wrong, or will fail. 

I've had a lot of crappy stuff happen in my life.  The biggest was the loss of my daughter.  Sometimes, well a lot of the time actually, her loss feels like my ultimate failure and it's a big one.  In reality I know that her life and health were out of my control but at my core there feels like I should have been able to do something.  It makes it hard to give myself credit for any accomplishment when measured beside this "failure".  To even think of things as accomplishments that actually are: losing 50 pounds, not stopping by the convenience store for months, logging all my food, pushing myself to do things I was scared to do, and the list goes on. 

So, what do I do to change these things?  I really am not sure.  My nutrition coach keeps saying "embrace it".  I'm not 100% sure what that means exactly.  What does that look like?  One thing that I do think I have to do is open up.  That binge that I went on did nothing for me.  I kept eating and waiting to stop feeling.  Never happened.  I felt every ounce of what was weighing on me and the hate and awareness of what I was doing.  That's a change that is both scary and freeing at the same time.  I know this is going to be messy and I will live through it.  My hope is that I come out on the other side of all this with the life I was meant to have.   

I entitled this blog post Honesty because I'm not going to write what I think other people want to read or hear me say anymore.  Marcey has wore her neglect for herself and care for others as a badge of honor and path to acceptance her whole life.  I can't do that anymore and have the life I believe I am supposed to live.  I have no idea what I will look or feel like on the other side of this thing but that is okay.  I feel like I have been put on this path at this time for a reason and that the timing is meant to be.  Here's to a messy journey and one hell of a ride to dealing with the shit that got me here, goals met, better self care, and improved health!  ❤         

How to Help Fat People

Everything You know about Obesity is Wrong HuffPost

So, above is an article floating around about obesity and fat shaming.  It has a lot of very valid points and it is an attempt to move society towards being more accepting of fat people.  Anything encouraging acceptance of differences is a good thing in my book!  I'm not one to go on a fat shaming tangent and I'm a fat girl who has experienced plenty of it.  Here's the deal, you will rarely change a person in a good way by shaming them.  As a person who has been fat for most of their lives and has lived out of an identity where shame is the core, I can tell you that there is not a single time I was shamed and thought, "oh, I'm so glad they shamed me.  I'm so motivated to change now!"  Nope, the shame drove me deeper inside myself.  It piled on top of every other shaming event I had in my life and solidified all the negative things I believed about myself.  So, how do you help a fat person you love?  Here's what you do.  Model healthy living and practice acceptance.  Believe me, you will get so much further with your loved one by living out of what you believe is healthy and loving and accepting others while you do.  Let them ask you questions and bring up the topic of diet.  Practice but don't preach.     

So, what if they are not a loved one and you just want to help?  This part of the article above really caught my attention, "Acknowledging the infinite complexity of each person’s relationship to food, exercise and body image is at the center of her treatment, not a footnote to it. 'Eighty percent of my patients cry in the first appointment,' Sogg says. 'For something as emotional as weight, you have to listen for a long time before you give any advice. Telling someone, 'Lay off the cheeseburgers' is never going to work if you don't know what those cheeseburgers are doing for them.”  Amen!  Get to know the person before going after them with weight loss facts and advice unless they ask for it.  Your input will go a lot further if you take the time to get to know the person.  Instead of feeling sorry for them, looking at them with disgust, and judging the items in their grocery carts, give them a great big smile and nod of acceptance!  You do not know them and have no idea what their life circumstances are.  Weight is complicated, and it can come with all kinds of baggage.  That smile you gave at the grocery store may be just the thing someone wanting to improve their health needs to take a step toward it.  It'll go a lot further in moving them that direction than talking with your friends about their grocery cart!  I think the final note in this article sums this up well...“We all have to do our best with the body that we have,” she says. “And leave everyone else’s alone.”  I would just add, "you never know what someone has been through and why they are in the position they are in.  Kindness is always a better choice than judgment."   

I really believe that most people who are doing the shaming do so inadvertently and think they are being helpful.  They mean well.  I've read this article a dozen times in the last two days and watched responses to it.  They are as I would expect.  Some demanding acceptance and others defending their actions and behaviors towards fat people.  I also think it is important to note that shaming is not just done to fat people.  I've seen people shamed for their diet, being fit, skinny, and any number of things.  Why shame anyone?  What purpose does it serve?  If our goal is to help others, then shame should not be a tool we use.  I know this article was about a lot more than shaming fat people.  I'm not going to argue the other information in it.  I do not know enough about those things.  I do know what it is like to be fat and have a desire to lose weight.  I'm on a weight loss program myself right now.  I did not come to the decision that I needed to lose weight because someone told me I needed to or shamed me.  I came to the decision as I watched friends living healthy lives and doing things I wanted to but couldn't.  They practiced their beliefs about health and never preached.  They didn't have to.  It was because they gained my trust by accepting me and loving me where I was that I felt comfortable approaching them with questions and ultimately took steps to improve my own health.  

Helping other people feels good.  I think to be more effective we should all take shaming out of our tool box.  Not many of us know how to use it effectively anyway and we have all witnessed the pain caused from its misuse.   

I'm a BAD ASS

I'm a BAD ASS.  Just typing that makes me laugh.  I've been on a weight loss journey since January.  This experience has been surprising in so many ways.  First that it works!  I came to the Stronger U nutrition program with a goal to get under 300 pounds.  Never thought it would happen.  I had dealt with that number for 10+ years.  I was wrong.  It worked and a few weeks ago I went under that 300 pound mark.  I'm still in shock that it really happened!

Soon after meeting that goal my world became complete chaos.  I was surprised to discover the emotions and behaviors tied to my weight.  An onslaught of negativity and self hatred ensued.  I soon realized that traumatic experiences I thought I had long dealt with and resolved were front and center.  I was faced with two options; deal with this stuff and lose weight or quit.

Quitting was a consideration however briefly.  Normally my needs would not enter the equation as I considered my options.  I'd think about how my chaotic emotions and behaviors were affecting those around me and base my decision on the perceived impact for them.  This time was different.  I found myself considering the impact to myself more than others.  When I did this there was only one option; deal with this "stuff" and lose weight. 

As I began to deal with it I discovered that my identity has been tied in three things; fat, taking care of others (making them happy whatever the personal cost), and being a strong person.  My identity is safe.  It's been tested.  Anytime I have moved out of it I've had to quickly move right back to what is expected of me to be acceptable.  This weight loss process is messing with my identity.  It will either eliminate or change each part...At some point I hope to no longer be fat.  I am increasing self-care and that will change how I care for others.  Although I will likely remain strong that strength will look different.  Who am I when this happens?  Will the changes be acceptable to others?

Despite all the chaotic emotions and struggles with how I manage them I feel a strength growing that I've never felt before.  Somehow the fear and changes feel necessary.  I feel empowered, equipped, and determined right in the midst of fear, inadequacy, and frustration.  I can do this and I will be successful at it.  The battle is in allowing myself to be where I am, the process to play out however it needs to, and being kind to and accepting of myself as changes are made, and a "new" Marcey emerges.  I need to trust the people who love me and know that they love me enough to embrace the changes as well because they know I need them.  My coach tells me to look in the mirror and tell myself I'm a bad ass.  It's taken some convincing but I started doing that yesterday.  It makes me laugh.  I may not be a bad ass, but I can be if I want to be.  I just have to let myself.  I have to let go, deal with whatever comes up, and trust that when it is all said and done I will have the personal health and freedom I have always longed for but never believed I deserved or could attain.

So, here's to becoming a bad ass!  I'll say it until it happens or I believe it...I am a BAD ASS! 

 

Good Bye Old Friend

Good Bye old but not so good friend!  I commit to never seeing you again.  Out of the 300's!

Fear, Self-hatred, and 301.6

Fear has been an enemy of mine for most of my life.  It has dictated decisions, kept me from doing things I really wanted to do, and at times it has completely controlled my life.  Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of losing another child, fear, fear, fear.  It's like an old toxic friend that you know you need to remove from you life but you just can't let yourself do it.  Well, fear and I have been at war lately. 

I'm a dreamer, an idealist.  Fear and those two things just don't work well together.  I find myself constantly disappointed or feeling unfulfilled because I am just too afraid to try something, to take that leap of faith and pursue a goal, dream, or an ideal.  Every now and then I'll kick fear to the curb or I'll just do whatever scared, but then the fear and doubt are always knocking at the door, or more like breaking the door down.  To say I am a fearful person bothers me, but I can't change something I do not acknowledge.  

I've struggled with my weight most of my life.  Even when I wasn't overweight, I truly felt that I was.  When I looked in the mirror I saw a fat girl.  I've never been happy with how I look; not unusual for women I know.  This goes way beyond not being happy with myself though and turned into an incredible self hatred.  That in turn led me to just flat out viciously bully myself.  The things I say to myself would get me thrown in jail if I said them to someone else.  Yet, I justify them because I am saying them to myself.  

It's like my own personal prison.  I long for the day I am free but I am afraid of that day also.  At least in my prison I am protected.  The only person who can hurt me is me.  And there it is...my discovery of why I operate the way I do; this fear and self hatred allow me to feel a safety that I just don't want to give up.  I'll hurt myself before I let you hurt me.  I'll say those awful things about myself before I let you do it.  You won't be saying anything that I haven't already said to myself.  But that safety comes at a great cost.  It costs me health, opportunities, relationships, unmet goals, unfulfilled dreams, and more.  I have a decision to make.  Do I want out of prison or not?  

I started one of many weight loss journeys in January.  It's one that I had started before and gave up on but decided to give it another shot because it was working when I was doing it.  This time I had a goal that I wanted to meet and it motivated me to try again.  Unfortunately fear and self-hatred joined with me.  To say this has been a rough ride would be an understatement.  I have fought with self-doubt and hatred continually though this process and some days they just about do me in but they're not winning.  I'm staying the course thanks to a supportive husband, a great program with a coach that is routing for me every step of the way, and a community of safe people to go to when I need to ask a question or just need encouragement.  I'm a little over a pound away from my first goal that I set.  I started this program at over 335(that was not easy to type) and as of today I am 301.6.  I'm in week 30.  As you can see I have a very long ways to go but I have been trying to get under that 300 mark for over 10 years.  10 years of constant dieting attempts, failures, vicious self bullying, and unfulfilled dreams.  For the first time I am succeeding.  Today I am making the decision, I am getting out of prison.  It won't be easy and I've got a lot of work to do but I'm getting out.  Fear and self-hatred will undoubtedly get out with me but I think that is okay.  They'll be unwelcome more and more as time progresses.  They'll visit, I'll greet them, and then find a way to get rid of them.  :-)  

I hope that if you are in a prison of your own that you will examine why you are there and whether you want to get out.  I think we all deserve a chance to be free.  

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes and a bible verse.  

Fear is what blocks an artist. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of not finishing. The fear of failure and of success. The fear of beginning at all. There is only one cure for fear. The cure is love...Stop yelling at yourself. Be nice..." Julia Cameron 
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Psalms 34:4 I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

I have to give a shout out to the wonderful program that is helping me on my weight loss journey.  StrongerU   I'd highly recommend it.  It's changing my life in ways I never dreamed were possible.  

God bless and thank you for reading.

Mac              

Five Years...I've survived - January 17th

Five years ago around this time, I was told my 8 year old daughter would not survive the status seizure she had on Jan. 13th.  It wasn’t her first status seizure.  She had many in her 8 years.  Each time we held our breath and prayed that she’d wake up and we’d go home. So many times she did just that.  Not this time however.  This time her kidneys would stop working, then her liver, and then her lungs.  This time she would not wake up.  Her daddy and I would have to make the decision to take her off life support.  I never dreamed in a million years we’d have to do something like that.  No parent does.  I can tell you that it is the single most horrific experience of a lifetime.  It feels both cruel and kind at the same time.  My baby girl was going to die and I’d never play with her, sing to her, take her to school, fix her chicken, or kiss her beautiful forehead ever again.  Not in this life. 

I wasn’t prepared for the massive hole in my world that her death would bring.  Its five years into this thing and that hole is just as big as it always was.  I’ve tried hard to find ways to honor her life any way I can.  Even through the work I do on a daily basis at my job.  Still the hole remains and I’ve decided it will always exist.  It’s another reminder that I loved that girl so much.  I sure did and do love my Hannah.

I was told that we’d find a new normal.  I resisted it for a while, but it is true.  You do eventually settle into a new way of life.  You do holidays differently, you build cemetery visits into your calendar, and you create new relationships.  That’s something else, as a special needs parent you are so consumed with your child, and you build these friendships through forums, and websites, and face to face groups, and then your child is gone.  The need for those daily interactions with people that had been your lifeline is gone or it changes; becomes awkward.  You are living their worst nightmare.  Everything changes while you long for what was.  You wouldn’t in a minute trade the worst days with your child all added together over this.  You’d choose every hard moment all over again if given the choice, but you’re not given the choice.  You’re only choice is to figure out how to do life without your beautiful child.

Epilepsy is evil.  When Hannah had her first seizure the neurologist that saw her told me, “you can’t die from a seizure.”  I remember so many times using his comments to relieve my anxiety.  On my bad days I want to take him straight to my daughter’s grave and have him look me in the eye and say that now.  I’ve written him a letter asking him to never tell a parent that again, that doing so actually puts their child in danger, and that he is not helping. He never responded.  Not surprised.  Not enough research is being done.  More now than in the past though, and my prayer is that it continues.  I can tell you that living in the epilepsy world is not a fun thing.  Fighting for medications, fighting for treatments, fighting with people to understand how serious it is because they’ve been misinformed for years, and watching people die and it be treated as one of the minimal risks of life with epilepsy.  It’s infuriating, and needs to change.

I said all that to say this, I’ve survived the death of my daughter, I’ve created a new normal, and I have a good life.  I have a wonderful marriage to my husband of almost 25 years, I have two great boys, fantastic friends, a great church, and a house I love.  I am a business owner, and an advocate for families who live with epilepsy, and I mentor and am on the board of an organization that helps those who have suffered sexual violence.  We help them get their lives back.  I have a good life.  If you had told me this is what my life looked last post Hannah, I’d have said you were crazy.  Hannah was my life.  I felt like she was my purpose.  When she was gone, I felt totally lost, like my purpose for living was lost.  But I am here, and I’m happy.  I miss her like crazy, but I’ve made it. 

I’ve made it because people who didn’t even know Hannah came beside me and loved me.  They supported and knew I’d need to find a new normal.  They helped me.  I’ve made it because my old friends who knew Hannah send me messages and remind me of how much she meant to them and the things she did that impacted their lives.  I’ve made it because I have a faith that gives me hope that although I will not see Hannah in this life, I will see my girl again.  I’ve made it because I decided the best thing I can do for Hannah now is to honor her life and live life the way she did; facing whatever came her way with a smile on her face and love in her heart.  I’ve made it because that same stubborn determination I so admired in my girl, was a gene passed to her from me.  I’ve made it because I had to.  The alternative was not an option.  I’ve made it.

To my sweet sweet Hannah…It’s been 5 years and we’re still surviving your loss beautiful girl.  I would have never thought we could.  You taught me how.  Thank you!  It’s because of all that you showed me and taught me through your life that I can be happy in your absence.  I still feel guilty sometimes for being happy, but then I think about you and know that I’m happy because I had you.

Failure

Failure is such an ugly word, and experiencing it can stop you in your tracks.  The last time I wrote here, I thought I had found the answer to all my fitness woes.  The fact is in the last two and half month I gained back 9 of the 20 something pounds I managed to lose.  It's really embarrassing and disheartening.  Life happened.  I lost one of my dearest friends, I took over a business, and I began planning a 5k in memory of Hannah.  When I am overwhelmed the person that gets neglected most is me.  Somehow I have got to stop neglecting myself in the face of stress and use it as a trigger to really focus on self care.  I've learned a lot about fitness, but there is so much more I need to learn.  My prayer today is that God will put me in a place and surround me with the people that can teach me and encourage me to stay on this journey.  I believe he has already and will only add to that support system.  It's just time for me to dig deep, search myself, and discover something that will work for me.  I do not want to keep living like this.  Hannah's gone, but I'm still here for a reason.  Giving up isn't an option.  Prayers appreciated as I try to figure out the best path to take on this journey.  Sorry to anyone I have disappointed.  This is only a setback.  I will stay on this journey until I reach my goal of fitness.  That I can promise. <3