Thanksgiving (Last Year and Today)

It was Thanksgiving day 2017 and I was sad, exhausted, stuffed, and eating my third slice of chocolate cream pie when I began thinking again I need to do something about my health.  I got on the scale and weighed 335+ pounds.  I went to the bathroom and cried.  I was miserable.  I couldn't stand for more than a few minutes, was sleeping a few hours a night, and just walking from my car into the store was painful.  I had just opened the TTS Center which was a dream come true for me.  I couldn't enjoy it though.  My size was like a huge boulder in my way.  I had to attempt to maneuver it in everything I did and most of the time there just was no way around it.  I decided to try one more time to do something about this.

Earlier in the year I had tried a program called Stronger U and it did not go well.  It wasn't the program.  I think I was just not ready.  I had enough success that time though that as I was praying, writing, and thinking things through it kept coming up as options.  I decided to contact them to see about trying again and they were so responsive and encouraging that I gave it another shot.  I was assigned a new coach and my fitness journey began again. 

I had no idea what was in store for me.  What I have discovered through this process is that there is not just one boulder in my life that I maneuver, but many.  Every time I get by one there is another one.  That was very discouraging at first but lately it's been more of a challenge than a discouragement.  I've maneuvered enough of them now that I am starting to understand that they are just boulders.  They may not move but I can.  I can go around them, climb over them, and chip them away.  Whatever it takes.  My success is not dictated by the boulder, but by deciding its okay to invest in myself, a willingness to be lead (coached), doing the best that I can, and trusting the process. 

When I started this thing I thought I would lose some weight.  I honestly did not think it would be much but any was better than none.  I expected to fail.  I had failed every time before.  I had no idea the lessons that I would learn or the life changing paths I would take.  I thought I was going on a diet.  What I did was actually start on a real health and fitness journey.

Here is just an example of the growth I have experienced directed through my Stronger U coach and the program.  Diet programs have one thing in common and that thing is the scale.  Scales are important.  They measure progress.  The problem with the scale is that it can be a distraction or obsession even.  I've been working with my Stronger U coach for almost 11 months now.  When he suggested I stop weighing I thought he had done lost his mind.  How do you go on a diet and not weigh?  To say I balked at the idea would be an understatement.  I had a full scale melt down over it.  After much discussion I agreed to be led this direction and just trust.  It has not been easy.  I had been using that scale as an emotional regulator and gauge of success or failure.  Now how was I going to know if I was doing well or poorly?  My coaches response was,  "right now lets work on habits.  If you will do that the scale will reflect it."  FRUSTRATING response to say the least.  Ha!  It's taken some time but I'm starting to see what he wanted me to see.  My habits got me to 335 pounds, and if I can address them and adopt healthier ones, my success won't be temporary but life long.  That would be amazing and something I would have never let myself believe or hope could happen.  It's been five weeks since I have weighed I think and I'm not sure when I will get on the scale again.  It's slowly losing it's importance to me as I shift my focus to improved health and building habits to keep that health once I attain it.  I'm trusting that he is right and that when I do get on a scale again it will reflect what I have been doing.  This is just one area of growth.  There have been many.

I have learned a lesson over and over.  Trusting the path God has laid out for me and walking in it is where my peace is.  My job in this journey of life is to take one step and then the next, and then the next along that path.  It's when I try to get way ahead or do things my way that I get into trouble.  I'm glad that I have started again on this path that I God has clearly laid out for me.  I pray that I continue to grow, learn, and change in ways that I need to so that I can live the life I was meant to live.       

It's Thanksgiving Day and I am cooking for my family.  Soon my mom and nieces will show up for lunch.  We'll stand around holding hands and thanking God for our blessings.  I have so many things to be thankful for.  For one I am a much improved version of the person who sat on her bed miserable last Thanksgiving.  I am down 50 pounds, wearing a size I have not worn in a very long time, walking a mile or more a day, working out three to four times a week, and I feel better both physically and mentally than I have in a very long time.  I can walk from my car to the store without pain and I can fit in both stadium and airplane seating.  Good news for a sports and travel fan!  I have made some amazing new friends and found the support I needed to be successful.  I have done things that I have always wanted to do but let my weight hold me back.  One of those things was to go to UCLA to get my PEERS certification.  Now I am the only PEERS certified young adult provider in Texas right now.  On top of all of those I have an amazing husband and two fantastic boys, a business that is thriving and that I love, clients and their families that I adore, and friends and family that I cherish.  Last but not least I have incredible memories of a little girl that impacted my life beyond belief and helped mold me into the person I am today.  Without my experiences and life with Hannah so much of what I do would not be possible.  I miss her beyond belief but am grateful for the time I did have with her.  I am blessed!  

Shout out and thank you to Coach Martin Diaz, Mike Doehla and the Stronger U staff and participants.  I'm grateful to have you lead and support my journey to health and fitness!  Love to my family and friends!  You guys are my rock!  Have a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving y'all!  

 

    

Being Wrong

Sitting alone in the middle of a remote pasture surrounded by cattle I clearly recall vowing to the cows and the heavens that the people who hurt me would not win.  That I would show them all.  This was not an unusual occurrence.  I often retreated to safe places where the chance of being found was very unlikely.  As I grew up finding those safe places to retreat became more difficult.  At some point my retreat went from hiding places to the physical act of eating.  I learned how to retreat and hide with food. 

I spent my childhood and teenage years gaining and losing weight.  As I look back the gains and losses were in correlation to whatever was going on in my life at the time.  When my life was predictable and stable I'd be down on my weight but as soon as things got rocky or bad my weight would increase.  

As a married adult my weight has been on a steady increase with very few decreases.  There have been lots of attempts to lose weight with no real success to speak of.  As I look back I can see that the biggest increases coincide with very stressful times in my life.  One of those stressful events was the loss of my 8 year old daughter Hannah to which I experienced my biggest gain and topped out at 335 pounds.  

I have spent my life retreating and hiding.  Never learning how to appropriately express my feelings, needs, or wants.  Most of my relationships are superficial.  I didn't have a long term best friend until I was 40 years old.  I have a wonderful marriage but even my husband did not know a lot about what I thought or felt until recently.  I'VE BEEN HIDING MY WHOLE LIFE.  

It's not like I did not know that I was doing something that was more harm than good.  I've hated myself for not being more open and real.  For being a coward and hiding.  For binge eating instead of feeling.  I've felt like an impostor everywhere I go.  Not because I try to act like someone else but more like I am not free to be my authentic self.  What people see is not what I feel or who I see.  

I've spent most of my life trying to prove that my experiences growing up did not affect me.  I've been frustrated and livid every time I realize that they did indeed affect so much of how I manage and maneuver my life.  I always felt that my retreating and hiding was a good thing.  That it protected me as well as anyone else I cared about.  When I spoke to my friend recently about this she said, "Really Marcey!  They(people who hurt me) do not matter.  They only matter if you give them significance.  You don't even need to beat them if they don't matter."  I left that conversation with a lot to think about.  Why do I put my self worth in the hands of the insignificant?   

This all came to a head recently.  I have been doing a nutrition program since January.  In this program I was assigned a coach.  I was sitting at my desk stressed to the max about to down an entire bag of Oreo's when I texted my coach this, "I have got to find something else to do when I am stressed the !@#$ out.  What the !@#$ do people do besides eat"?  He immediately responded and talked me through alternatives.  I figured I'd do what he said and come back and eat the Oreo's.  "Stupid nutrition coach...what does he know about binge eating!"  That didn't happen though.  His suggestions worked.  There were alternatives to binge eating and they were healthy, didn't involve food, and worked quite well!

In the coming days I would wrestle with these realizations, admit that I had been wrong about many things and make some different decisions about them. 
     1.  I would decide that retreating and hiding was not helpful and  that doing so with food was impacting both my physical and mental health.  
     2.  I would decide that the people that hurt me do not matter and it was time for me to quit giving them run of my life.   
     3.  I would decide that I was wrong and that there are workable alternatives to binge eating and I need to incorporate them in my daily life.  I would accept help while I learn new ways of handling my emotions without food.
      4.  I would decide to let myself ask questions even if they may appear odd or no-brainer to most people.  I needed to know.  I never learned some of the things that healthy functioning adults do about self care and I was going to have to be okay  with not knowing.  Allow myself to be a beginner.
     5.  I was going to allow myself to do whatever I needed to do to improve my health.  Forgive myself for past failures and stop using past painful experiences as excuses for my self harm. 

These are just a start.  I have so much to learn and so many decisions to reverse about what I have believed about myself and my experiences in life.  It's a good thing I like to learn.  I posted my first "odd" question on a Facebook group for the nutrition program I am doing.  The question, "what do you do when you are disappointed in yourself?"  It was a huge step for me to do this but I'm so glad I did.  The answers were insightful and I learned that I am not a "special snowflake" (what my coach calls me when I think I am the only one) and that my question wasn't all that odd at all. 

This is not the journey I envisioned when I started working on these things in January.  It's so much more and I feel a strength growing in me daily.  I'm not gonna lie.  I am scared.  I'm also excited and hopeful.  There's a saying that I keep playing in my head right now and that is, "Do it Scared".  I've always wanted to feel free and I think if I can do it scared I can get there.  I will know what it's like to be free!

If you need to lose weight or get fit you should look into Stronger U.  I can't recommend the program enough!  Look them up and see what they are about.  Ask me questions.  It's so much more than just a diet!  It is a way to change your life if you want to change it.  

Honesty

It's a rainy day and I've returned from a weekend full of relaxation and inspiration.  I'm pumped and ready to tackle all that has been weighing me down.  I hit my 50 pounds loss mark and that's quite an accomplishment.  I feel like I just might be able to meet my fitness goals after all...until Monday rolls around.  Life hits and everything I've ever done to manage it hits with it.  What's a person to do?

I'll tell you what I do.  I get in my head.  I start over thinking everything and before I know it I have decided that I can't do this.  That I should have never gone to the seminar.  The same seminar that I walked away from feeling pumped and excited about the future, ready to do whatever it takes to get the results I want.  Now I am convinced going was a mistake, that I'm a complete failure because I struggle, and there's no use in trying.  I end the day doing what I have done in the past.  I stop by the convenience store.  The same store I have not visited in months and my visits used to be an every day occurrence.  I buy ding dongs, diet soda, a candy bar, and two bags of chips, go home and start the binge.  Why?

I make a mistake and because I am in my head I decide that mistake is the sign of my demise.  You're probably shaking you head.  I am too as I write this. 

When I began this latest journey to lose weight I thought I would drop some pounds maybe.  I had no idea that I would have to change so much about how I manage my life, my thoughts, and more.  The truth is that weight for me is tied to so many things.  It's not just genetics, being lazy, or eating too much.  Although most of those are part of it and definitely contributing factors.  I find that I am having to face some things that I have ignored my whole life by hiding behind food.

Making these changes has resulted in some really rough moments.  I feel crazy a lot.  Like a fish out of water.  Everything I used to do to manage life and feelings has changed.  I'm learning new ways to manage but not fast enough I think.  Ha!  I try to keep remembering "that at first blush, going sane feels like going crazy" Julia Cameron.  There are also a few things that I have resisted that would be helpful.  I'm not sure why I am so resistant other than I'm scared.  Scared that I will be misunderstood, wrong, or will fail. 

I've had a lot of crappy stuff happen in my life.  The biggest was the loss of my daughter.  Sometimes, well a lot of the time actually, her loss feels like my ultimate failure and it's a big one.  In reality I know that her life and health were out of my control but at my core there feels like I should have been able to do something.  It makes it hard to give myself credit for any accomplishment when measured beside this "failure".  To even think of things as accomplishments that actually are: losing 50 pounds, not stopping by the convenience store for months, logging all my food, pushing myself to do things I was scared to do, and the list goes on. 

So, what do I do to change these things?  I really am not sure.  My nutrition coach keeps saying "embrace it".  I'm not 100% sure what that means exactly.  What does that look like?  One thing that I do think I have to do is open up.  That binge that I went on did nothing for me.  I kept eating and waiting to stop feeling.  Never happened.  I felt every ounce of what was weighing on me and the hate and awareness of what I was doing.  That's a change that is both scary and freeing at the same time.  I know this is going to be messy and I will live through it.  My hope is that I come out on the other side of all this with the life I was meant to have.   

I entitled this blog post Honesty because I'm not going to write what I think other people want to read or hear me say anymore.  Marcey has wore her neglect for herself and care for others as a badge of honor and path to acceptance her whole life.  I can't do that anymore and have the life I believe I am supposed to live.  I have no idea what I will look or feel like on the other side of this thing but that is okay.  I feel like I have been put on this path at this time for a reason and that the timing is meant to be.  Here's to a messy journey and one hell of a ride to dealing with the shit that got me here, goals met, better self care, and improved health!  ❤         

How to Help Fat People

Everything You know about Obesity is Wrong HuffPost

So, above is an article floating around about obesity and fat shaming.  It has a lot of very valid points and it is an attempt to move society towards being more accepting of fat people.  Anything encouraging acceptance of differences is a good thing in my book!  I'm not one to go on a fat shaming tangent and I'm a fat girl who has experienced plenty of it.  Here's the deal, you will rarely change a person in a good way by shaming them.  As a person who has been fat for most of their lives and has lived out of an identity where shame is the core, I can tell you that there is not a single time I was shamed and thought, "oh, I'm so glad they shamed me.  I'm so motivated to change now!"  Nope, the shame drove me deeper inside myself.  It piled on top of every other shaming event I had in my life and solidified all the negative things I believed about myself.  So, how do you help a fat person you love?  Here's what you do.  Model healthy living and practice acceptance.  Believe me, you will get so much further with your loved one by living out of what you believe is healthy and loving and accepting others while you do.  Let them ask you questions and bring up the topic of diet.  Practice but don't preach.     

So, what if they are not a loved one and you just want to help?  This part of the article above really caught my attention, "Acknowledging the infinite complexity of each person’s relationship to food, exercise and body image is at the center of her treatment, not a footnote to it. 'Eighty percent of my patients cry in the first appointment,' Sogg says. 'For something as emotional as weight, you have to listen for a long time before you give any advice. Telling someone, 'Lay off the cheeseburgers' is never going to work if you don't know what those cheeseburgers are doing for them.”  Amen!  Get to know the person before going after them with weight loss facts and advice unless they ask for it.  Your input will go a lot further if you take the time to get to know the person.  Instead of feeling sorry for them, looking at them with disgust, and judging the items in their grocery carts, give them a great big smile and nod of acceptance!  You do not know them and have no idea what their life circumstances are.  Weight is complicated, and it can come with all kinds of baggage.  That smile you gave at the grocery store may be just the thing someone wanting to improve their health needs to take a step toward it.  It'll go a lot further in moving them that direction than talking with your friends about their grocery cart!  I think the final note in this article sums this up well...“We all have to do our best with the body that we have,” she says. “And leave everyone else’s alone.”  I would just add, "you never know what someone has been through and why they are in the position they are in.  Kindness is always a better choice than judgment."   

I really believe that most people who are doing the shaming do so inadvertently and think they are being helpful.  They mean well.  I've read this article a dozen times in the last two days and watched responses to it.  They are as I would expect.  Some demanding acceptance and others defending their actions and behaviors towards fat people.  I also think it is important to note that shaming is not just done to fat people.  I've seen people shamed for their diet, being fit, skinny, and any number of things.  Why shame anyone?  What purpose does it serve?  If our goal is to help others, then shame should not be a tool we use.  I know this article was about a lot more than shaming fat people.  I'm not going to argue the other information in it.  I do not know enough about those things.  I do know what it is like to be fat and have a desire to lose weight.  I'm on a weight loss program myself right now.  I did not come to the decision that I needed to lose weight because someone told me I needed to or shamed me.  I came to the decision as I watched friends living healthy lives and doing things I wanted to but couldn't.  They practiced their beliefs about health and never preached.  They didn't have to.  It was because they gained my trust by accepting me and loving me where I was that I felt comfortable approaching them with questions and ultimately took steps to improve my own health.  

Helping other people feels good.  I think to be more effective we should all take shaming out of our tool box.  Not many of us know how to use it effectively anyway and we have all witnessed the pain caused from its misuse.   

I'm a BAD ASS

I'm a BAD ASS.  Just typing that makes me laugh.  I've been on a weight loss journey since January.  This experience has been surprising in so many ways.  First that it works!  I came to the Stronger U nutrition program with a goal to get under 300 pounds.  Never thought it would happen.  I had dealt with that number for 10+ years.  I was wrong.  It worked and a few weeks ago I went under that 300 pound mark.  I'm still in shock that it really happened!

Soon after meeting that goal my world became complete chaos.  I was surprised to discover the emotions and behaviors tied to my weight.  An onslaught of negativity and self hatred ensued.  I soon realized that traumatic experiences I thought I had long dealt with and resolved were front and center.  I was faced with two options; deal with this stuff and lose weight or quit.

Quitting was a consideration however briefly.  Normally my needs would not enter the equation as I considered my options.  I'd think about how my chaotic emotions and behaviors were affecting those around me and base my decision on the perceived impact for them.  This time was different.  I found myself considering the impact to myself more than others.  When I did this there was only one option; deal with this "stuff" and lose weight. 

As I began to deal with it I discovered that my identity has been tied in three things; fat, taking care of others (making them happy whatever the personal cost), and being a strong person.  My identity is safe.  It's been tested.  Anytime I have moved out of it I've had to quickly move right back to what is expected of me to be acceptable.  This weight loss process is messing with my identity.  It will either eliminate or change each part...At some point I hope to no longer be fat.  I am increasing self-care and that will change how I care for others.  Although I will likely remain strong that strength will look different.  Who am I when this happens?  Will the changes be acceptable to others?

Despite all the chaotic emotions and struggles with how I manage them I feel a strength growing that I've never felt before.  Somehow the fear and changes feel necessary.  I feel empowered, equipped, and determined right in the midst of fear, inadequacy, and frustration.  I can do this and I will be successful at it.  The battle is in allowing myself to be where I am, the process to play out however it needs to, and being kind to and accepting of myself as changes are made, and a "new" Marcey emerges.  I need to trust the people who love me and know that they love me enough to embrace the changes as well because they know I need them.  My coach tells me to look in the mirror and tell myself I'm a bad ass.  It's taken some convincing but I started doing that yesterday.  It makes me laugh.  I may not be a bad ass, but I can be if I want to be.  I just have to let myself.  I have to let go, deal with whatever comes up, and trust that when it is all said and done I will have the personal health and freedom I have always longed for but never believed I deserved or could attain.

So, here's to becoming a bad ass!  I'll say it until it happens or I believe it...I am a BAD ASS! 

 

Good Bye Old Friend

Good Bye old but not so good friend!  I commit to never seeing you again.  Out of the 300's!

Fear, Self-hatred, and 301.6

Fear has been an enemy of mine for most of my life.  It has dictated decisions, kept me from doing things I really wanted to do, and at times it has completely controlled my life.  Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of losing another child, fear, fear, fear.  It's like an old toxic friend that you know you need to remove from you life but you just can't let yourself do it.  Well, fear and I have been at war lately. 

I'm a dreamer, an idealist.  Fear and those two things just don't work well together.  I find myself constantly disappointed or feeling unfulfilled because I am just too afraid to try something, to take that leap of faith and pursue a goal, dream, or an ideal.  Every now and then I'll kick fear to the curb or I'll just do whatever scared, but then the fear and doubt are always knocking at the door, or more like breaking the door down.  To say I am a fearful person bothers me, but I can't change something I do not acknowledge.  

I've struggled with my weight most of my life.  Even when I wasn't overweight, I truly felt that I was.  When I looked in the mirror I saw a fat girl.  I've never been happy with how I look; not unusual for women I know.  This goes way beyond not being happy with myself though and turned into an incredible self hatred.  That in turn led me to just flat out viciously bully myself.  The things I say to myself would get me thrown in jail if I said them to someone else.  Yet, I justify them because I am saying them to myself.  

It's like my own personal prison.  I long for the day I am free but I am afraid of that day also.  At least in my prison I am protected.  The only person who can hurt me is me.  And there it is...my discovery of why I operate the way I do; this fear and self hatred allow me to feel a safety that I just don't want to give up.  I'll hurt myself before I let you hurt me.  I'll say those awful things about myself before I let you do it.  You won't be saying anything that I haven't already said to myself.  But that safety comes at a great cost.  It costs me health, opportunities, relationships, unmet goals, unfulfilled dreams, and more.  I have a decision to make.  Do I want out of prison or not?  

I started one of many weight loss journeys in January.  It's one that I had started before and gave up on but decided to give it another shot because it was working when I was doing it.  This time I had a goal that I wanted to meet and it motivated me to try again.  Unfortunately fear and self-hatred joined with me.  To say this has been a rough ride would be an understatement.  I have fought with self-doubt and hatred continually though this process and some days they just about do me in but they're not winning.  I'm staying the course thanks to a supportive husband, a great program with a coach that is routing for me every step of the way, and a community of safe people to go to when I need to ask a question or just need encouragement.  I'm a little over a pound away from my first goal that I set.  I started this program at over 335(that was not easy to type) and as of today I am 301.6.  I'm in week 30.  As you can see I have a very long ways to go but I have been trying to get under that 300 mark for over 10 years.  10 years of constant dieting attempts, failures, vicious self bullying, and unfulfilled dreams.  For the first time I am succeeding.  Today I am making the decision, I am getting out of prison.  It won't be easy and I've got a lot of work to do but I'm getting out.  Fear and self-hatred will undoubtedly get out with me but I think that is okay.  They'll be unwelcome more and more as time progresses.  They'll visit, I'll greet them, and then find a way to get rid of them.  :-)  

I hope that if you are in a prison of your own that you will examine why you are there and whether you want to get out.  I think we all deserve a chance to be free.  

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes and a bible verse.  

Fear is what blocks an artist. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of not finishing. The fear of failure and of success. The fear of beginning at all. There is only one cure for fear. The cure is love...Stop yelling at yourself. Be nice..." Julia Cameron 
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Psalms 34:4 I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

I have to give a shout out to the wonderful program that is helping me on my weight loss journey.  StrongerU   I'd highly recommend it.  It's changing my life in ways I never dreamed were possible.  

God bless and thank you for reading.

Mac