Hannah

Every year on this Sunday before Memorial Day I get reflective.  It was 18 years ago today that I would find out that the baby girl I was carrying would need to be delivered 3 months early.  I was barely 27 weeks pregnant with her.  The pregnancy had been rough especially in caparison to my previous two.  I spent the weekend incredibly ill and it became apparent that something was terribly wrong as the weekend progressed.  I called the doctor who told me to get to the hospital.  Everything became a whirlwind after I got to the hospital.  Tests were run and the doctor came in to let me know that Hannah would need to be delivered soon or we would both not make it.  I had pre-eclampsia and it was pretty advanced.  She had a 50% chance of survival after birth.  It all happened so fast.  All I remember was the doctors told us that if she cried when she was delivered it was a good sign so I lay there on the operating table praying that she would cry.  Seconds after delivery I heard a cry and I began to cry.  I also heard the nurses and doctors talking about how they had a feisty one on their hands and it made me smile.  Hannah would spend 96 grueling days in NICU with many ups and downs.  So many times we thought we may lose her but she fought for life like no other and would come home with her family weighing a little over 4 pounds at three months old. 

At 7 months of age she would have her first seizure.  It was terrifying.  I’ve had many terrifying experiences but nothing as terrifying as this one.  She was lying in bed next to me when I felt her go completely stiff and stop breathing.  This was the beginning of many terrifying moments over the next eight and a half years.  We would go through medication after medication trying to get control without much success.  Every med came with terrible side effects.  The ones that seemed to work best affected her in such a way that she was not the Hannah we all knew.  It was heart breaking to watch what she would go through.  At one point we had a medication that appeared to keep seizures at bay, but we had a zombie child on our hands and she was miserable all the time.  No seizures but no life.  Hannah would not have seizures daily or even often.  When she did have a seizure however it was usually a status seizure which would require an emergency hospital stay where we would have to be care flighted to Cook’s Children’s in Fort Worth.  We’d begin in the Pediatric ICU in a coma state and gradually be brought out in hopes that the status seizure did not return or that she would even regain consciousness.  Often Hannah would lose her ability to walk and talk correctly and have to relearn.  She always surprised us and fought her way back and regained any skills lost each time.  Often within days.

In 2009 Hannah would be blessed with a seizure and Autism assistance dog from 4paws for Ability.  That dog was a golden retriever named Koolio.  We still have him and he is the sweetest smartest dog you’ll ever meet.  It would be Koolio that would alert me to a seizure early the morning of January 13^th 2010 and give me the opportunity to spend some precious last moments with my beautiful girl.  I will forever be grateful that when Hannah had her last seizure before leaving this life she was not alone.  I had been alerted that one was coming hours before it happened.  I would ready all the things I needed in case it was a “big” one and it needed medial intervention to stop it.  I would then climb in bed next to my girl and wrap my arms around her and hold her close for what was the very last time.  Those precious moments comfort me to this day.

On January 16^th it became apparent that Hannah was not improving but getting worse.  Every few moments we got more and more bad news.  Her kidneys began shutting down on the 15^th.  She was not responding to attempts to bring her out of the coma she was in.  There were others but those were the two biggest.  I knew in my gut that this had been the one that got her.  This was the one she would not come back from.  Still I hoped.  I remember going into the parent shower in the ICU and kneeling in the corner praying for a miracle and telling God that if He was going to take Hannah home that He would need to give me the strength to survive it because I just didn’t know if I could.  The next day the doctors would tell us she was brain dead and we’d need to make the decision to let her go.  In a million years I would never have imagined we’d ever have to do something like that.  Make the decision to allow them to remove all life support from our girl and let her die in our arms.  It was unimaginable.  I’ve never felt such pain and defeat in my life.  My life changed that day forever.  We called in all of Hannah’s family, friends, and teachers.  Anyone that wanted to say goodbye to her.  Once everyone had the opportunity to do so we would go in as a family; David, myself, our boys, and Koolio.  We would all sit on a couch with Hannah in our laps.  I would sing our song, “I love my Hannah…she loves me too…I love my Hannah…in everything we do” for the very last time.  Her daddy would also sing to her while her brothers held onto her tight.  Koolio would lick her feet like he always did.  It was so like nothing you can ever imagine.  She would just peacefully stop breathing in our arms surrounded by a magnitude of love.

Hannah was a fighter.  She fought for life and she lived life like no other.  She seriously loved people and she made them feel special.   It’s so hard to describe.  You just had to experience her to understand.  She loved music; all kinds of music, shoes, school/learning, Sponge Bob, her brothers, and so many other things.  I often tell people that she was an angel sent smack from heaven to her momma.  I believe that with all of my heart.  Hannah came to me at a time in my life when I was severely depressed, barely functioning, and feeling like the world would be better off without me.  Watching Hannah fight for life the way she did inspired me to fight for mine.  She continues to inspire me.  I owe it to her to live every moment of this life if for no other reason than that she can’t.  I live for us both. 

To tell Hannah’s story is impossible to do in a short blog post. Ha!  I’ve tried to hit the highlights.  I wish you all could have known her.  She would have impacted your life in a positive way I am sure.  As our family maneuvers the coming days and celebrates an 18^th birthday without her I hope that you all will celebrate your own families and remember the blessings they are even in the hardest of times.  Don’t take a moment for granted.  Moms and dads get in those family photos.  Who cares what you look like!  Some day it may be all you have but the memories you hold dear in your heart and head.  Live, Love, Take Risks.  We are never promised tomorrow.  It sounds so cliché, but it is oh so true. 

To Hannah, you are missed and loved more than you can ever know.  I remain grateful for your life and love every day.  You were a force for life and inspiration to all that knew you.  I am a better person because I knew and loved you.  Thank you, sweet girl, for being you!  All my love always, momma.             

Muay Thai and Me

I've started a new activity...Muay Thai.  It's a martial art and involves kicking, punching, elbowing, and kneeing people/Thai pads.  Some people think I have lost my mind while others think it's pretty rad that I would choose to do something like Muay Thai at my age and physical state.  All I know is that when I am doing Muay Thai it feels right. 

I've spent most of my life trying to fit a mold that is impossible to fit.  I work hard to be acceptable to everyone I care about.  The environment I grew up in was not one that promoted nor celebrated individuality.  There was not a lot of room for someone that likes rock music, thinks tattoos are cool, enjoys sports (watching and playing them), and loves a good fight.  Any inclination that I was that person would mean I was rebelling and rejecting the faith and people I held so dear.  I couldn't risk that.  I loved them all too much.   

As my children have grown and my environment changed I have found it more acceptable to explore what it means to be me.  In December of 2017 I set out to improve my health and signed up with a nutrition company called Stronger U.  I believe that step took this journey of exploration and self-acceptance from neutral to drive.  I was stuck.  With SU there are a lot of us on this self exploration/acceptance journey.  At first I was frustrated by the whole "Be yourself.  Do the things you love." vibe of this group.  Eventually I couldn't get enough of it.  I've done and tried more than I ever believed I could in the last year and half.  It's crazy how surrounding yourself with people who have similar goals and are full of positive energy will move you to action.

One of those things that I did was to attend the Younique Foundation's Haven retreat.  In February I went to the retreat and did Muay Thai for the first time.  When I was punching, something happened in me.  Dead places came alive.  I did not understand it and still don't.  There was just this release that happened and it felt good.  I left that class feeling lighter and more free than I ever have I think.    When the retreat was over I shared the experience with my nutrition coach who in turn really encouraged me to pursue a class at home.  I listened for once and with each encouragement thought maybe I can just look around and see what I can find.  I inquired at several places and Arlington Muay Thai returned my call.  I in turn found the nerve to return theres after a few minutes of freaking out and set up a time to come try a class.  I tried and got hooked.  Not only was it fun but it offered help in all the areas I was working on:  my physical state, self-discipline and talk, and pushing myself out of my cave/comfort zone.  I learned that I needed to create new neuro-pathways in my brain affected by past trauma to heal and change at the Haven retreat.  Muay Thai embodies all of the practices needed to do that.  It also helps me with my overthinking and getting stuck in my head.  Muay Thai takes action.  There is not another activity I do that forces me out of my head like it does.

I wish I could tell you that I started this activity and haven't looked back.  I can't.  I've experienced a lot of  internal resistance.  I constantly doubt myself and wonder what those around me think.  It's both physically and mentally hard.  I'm not good at it.  My coordination stinks.  The list goes on.  None of this internal resistance is supported at Arlington Muay Thai though.  You can have all the internal resistance you want to, but it is not going to be nurtured or coddled.  Ha!  When I am there, what I hear is that I can do anything I set my mind to if I work hard, surround myself with positive people, and never ever give up.  There is no room for any other message. 

As odd as it may seem when I walk in that gym door I breathe differently.  It feels like walking in the door of your home after a long vacation or business trip.  I never expected it to feel that way.  I've only been around a month.  I'm guessing this is what it feels like when you set free a part of you that you've kept locked away.  If I can leave you with anything from this post I hope it is encouragement to try new things until you find "your thing".  Don't be afraid to start.  Who cares how old you are!  Who cares what other people think!  Who cares who misunderstands it!  Life is too short to continue to try to fit in molds that will never fit.  You deserve to do you.  Whatever that looks like.  You may not even know yet.  That's why you just have to start trying things until you find it.  Don't stay stuck in your cave wondering why you are miserable.  You're miserable because you're denying the essence of who you are.  Stop doing that!  Go find your thing and when you do you'll likely be scared.  Do it scared.  As my nutrition coach says....head down and do it!

Much Love!

MAC                     

                             

The Retreat - Love, Care, Power, Hope, and Acceptance

Some people are worried that I have flipped my lid.  I don't want anyone to worry.  Honestly for the first time in a very long time I feel like I am okay.  It's been so very long since I could say that and mean it.  

I recently went on the Haven retreat with the Younique Foundation.  I really had no idea what to expect from the experience.  I just knew that I wanted change and needed help.  I was tired of hating myself and feeling stuck in my past.  I went with the very specific goal to see if there was a way to lessen self-hatred because I was vicious with myself and it was holding me back from doing things I wanted to do.  I wanted to find a way to get unstuck and start moving forward.  I wanted to stop the cycle of two steps forward...three steps back.  I was ready for change and would do anything to find a way to make it.  So I flew to Utah and went to a retreat where I knew no one and had no clue what to expect.  Totally out of character for me.  It was one of the best decisions of my life. 

I have hated myself with a vengeance all my life and nothing I have done to try to combat it has worked.  It doesn't help that this hatred has a couple of best friends called perfectionism and self-neglect.  Partnered together they have been a formidable foe.  They leave me feeling hopeless that change is possible.  I have never felt acceptable and am constantly at war with myself over sharing my life, feelings, experiences with others.  I want to share.  I feel like I have a lot of information and life experiences that could help other people but I constantly second guess myself and quickly erase any sharing I do.  I also constantly look for ways to make people happy regardless of the personal cost to me.  As the years progress that cost grows and grows.  All these things combined make living in freedom impossible.    

On my first day at the retreat I met with the person assigned to me and she asked me what my goals were for the retreat.  I told her that if I could leave there hating myself just a little less and learn that change was possible I would count my time there as successful.  She smiled and said, "I think we can help with that."  

I was skeptical but I can honestly say that she was right.  They could help with my goals for the retreat.  I left there having learned and experienced several things....

• OMG, our brain.  I can't even begin to explain all I learned about trauma and the brain.  Just know that your brain did what it needed to when you experienced trauma and it can get stuck in the patterns it created to help you get through it.  The good news is that there are ways to change those patterns and create new pathways.  It Will take time and being very intentional, but it is possible! "The Body Keeps A Score," read it.  Life changing.   
• I'm not alone.  TYF#118 💜 
• If I will take care of my body, my mind will follow.  So doable!  Nutrition, Moving Body, Meditation/Affirmations, and Sleep are key.
• I fell in love with Muay Thai.  When I was 19 years old I had a life altering experience with someone I respected greatly.  It was at that time that I decided my lot in life was pain and there was not a thing I could do about it.  I have lived out of that powerlessness for nearly 29 years.  That day as I threw punches I felt an empowerment that I have never felt before.  I realized I didn't have to be powerless and I wanted more.  I go this week for my first Muay Thai class.       
• Change and freedom are possible.  I learned how to combat shame, that forgiveness was for me and not the people who hurt me, about grounding, and a plethora of other things that would take days to tell you about.  Life changing stuff!  

I'll leave you with this.  On the last day there I was in my group of 8 and our leaders handed us a stack of cards in small bags.  On these cards were statements on the front and back.  We could not go through the cards.  We were just to take one and let "God/Universe" decide what we got.  Here is a photo of the one I pulled out without even looking to see what they said.  As I looked at it I felt seen and understood.  I rested in the knowledge that I was supposed to be at this retreat and that I got exactly what I came for .  I now had hope that I can hate myself less and knowledge that the change I desired is possible.  Tell me if you think it was meant to be after you look at this photo.  I'm finally on a path to more self acceptance, love, and care and I believe with all my heart it only gets better from here.

         
Check out the Younique Foundation at https://youniquefoundation.org/ and share with anyone you may know that can use the experience.  

52 Weeks and 2019

   

I’ve been asked about my diet, so here's a little about how this program has affected me.  I began 2018 much like I have started many previous years.  At the top of my list of goals for the year was to lose weight/improve my health.  Every year I would decide on a program, start, do the chosen diet plan for a few weeks, drop a few pounds, and then quit.  I couldn’t get past the initial few weeks.  That was until this year.  I just turned in my 52 weeks check in to my Stronger U coach.  I still can’t believe it.  What has been different this time?

After some journaling and reflection, I feel like the difference for me is that this program has been an educational program on managing nutrition along with the support of a personal coach.  It’s not just another diet program.  Nutrition for my family growing up was about having food to eat.  Any food.  Its nutritional value was not a consideration as much as just having something to eat.  It wasn’t anyone’s fault.  It was just our situation.  Added to that lifestyle was the development of an eating disorder of binging and purging.  Eventually the purging would be greatly reduced but the binging would not.  My inexperience with healthy nutrition added to the fact that there is a plethora of conflicting information about diet/health all over the place left me confused, disillusioned, and feeling completely helpless when it came to figuring out where to go for help.  That is where I believe stronger U stands out.  They use solid scientific evidence-based methods to get results.  No gimmicks or fads.  You don’t even need supplements or cleanses.  I am learning very solid, very maintainable healthy nutrition management. 

I wish I could say that I did this program perfectly and was a model participant.  I can't.  My coach has had their work cut out for them.  I have argued my position on more than one occasion for why I'm different.  Why this doesn't work for me like it does everyone else.  I've chosen to ignore the direction my coach gave me and coached myself at times.  I've made many decisions to quit and not to quit within hours of each other.  I’ve had to fight my way through this mental web of years of misinformation and bad experiences to acceptance that I have been wrong and let being wrong be okay.   

I’ve experienced many things as a result of my SU experience this year.  The biggest for me I think and not something I expected to learn is that I can stop binge eating in its tracks.  Lifelong problem complicated more by the loss of my 8-year-old daughter in 2010.  I ate my feelings.  I have a diagnosed binge eating disorder and I thought there was no way around it.  It was the way I handled life.  Nope.  There is a way to manage it.  I am going through the hardest months of my life (holidays and anniversary of Hannah's death) for the first time without eating my feelings.  It means I have to let myself feel and do other things with the emotions, but I do not have to binge.  I have choices.  For example, when I am sad and want to cry, I ask myself, "Cry or binge?  What would a healthy person do?  Cry it is!"  This is pretty huge for me.  I hate crying.  Like with a passion.  It’s probably something I need to do though and now I am.  Instead of binging I will take a walk around my center, listen to a podcast, read or post in the SU Facebook group, workout, let myself feel and express emotions, or keep trying things until I find something that works in that moment.  I am eating mindfully and it is changing my life.    

In addition to the above:  I lost weight.  At least 50 pounds but probably more.  I am not weighing at this  time.  Shifting focus from scale to building healthy habits for a while.  I started walking and working out almost daily.  Before I wouldn't even walk at the park because I was too embarrassed.  Now I go every chance I get and sometimes with my friend.  Never would walk with her before because I was embarrassed.  I can plan, weigh, log, and track daily macro numbers.  This was something I was sure I had no time to do.  Ha!  It takes very little time once you get it down.  I also finally got my certification from UCLA for their PEERS program!  I had enrolled and canceled four times!  Why, because I was scared I would get kicked off the plane for my size or not fit in the seat, or I couldn’t walk the amount needed because I was so out of shape.  There is so much more but I think this gives you an idea of what has taken place. 

Some things I have learned this year:  It is not selfish or wrong to take care of yourself and do what you need to do to be the best version of yourself.  Saying no is necessary sometimes.  So is delegating and disconnecting from phone/computer on occasion. 😊   Sleep is not an option.  Neither is eating, moving, or drinking (not alcohol) Ha!  Focusing on creating healthy habits is going to lead to long term success.  Focusing on successes will lead to more successes.  Focusing on failures will lead to more failures.  Mess ups will happen.  When they do, get up, brush yourself off, learn from it, and get back at it.  Not every meal needs to be a party in my mouth.  Food is fuel…and the list goes on!  It’s impossible to convey all the lessons I’ve learned but each one has been impactful, life changing, and I’m grateful.

As I go into 2019 my goal is to continue creating and building habits that will move me into the healthy life I desire.  I hope to lose weight, gain strength, and improve my fitness level in the process but solidifying the habits I need to live healthy and free is what I want more than anything.  I’ve been a prisoner in this body way too long.  I hope that if you struggle with health and fitness and desire change that you will find the courage to try again.  Look for a program that stresses change and that change is sustainable.  Happy New Year Friends!

Love,

MAC    

Stop Folding and Choose to Play

I'm closing in on one year since I started the Stronger U Nutrition program.  I have experienced more success than I have at any other time in my life when pursuing weight loss.  I've learned more about nutrition and health than I could have ever imagined.  Information that I can trust and fairly easily implement.  Yep, you heard me, I used the word easily.  I think that's been the hardest thing for me to accept.  Losing weight is not hard itself.  It's all the other stuff that makes it hard.  The bad habits, life experiences, environment, etc.  That stuff makes it hard.  But losing weight itself is not that complicated.  Believe me I wanted to believe it was hard.  I fought for that belief.  It's just not the hard part.  The hard part is changing.   

I have learned a lot about myself and how I got to this place.  It has not been a fun realization.  It's been difficult and frustrating mostly.  Every time I look back I get angry that I allowed myself to get to this place.  I don't look back much anymore except to understand.  Then I move on to making much needed changes.  I can't do much about the past anyway.  I have wasted a lot of time thinking I'm different, this won't work for me, and a lot of other nonsense.  I've had so many excuses.  When I shift my focus to my pursuit for health instead of what got me to this place this journey becomes more productive. 

The holidays are hard for me.  I lost my eight year old daughter to a seizure in January of 2010.  It was a life altering loss and I have never felt secure in anything since.  If you have ever experienced profound grief you know that it never goes away.  It gets better at times but it is a sneaky little devil and will hit you when you least expect it.  Managing those times has been one of the biggest challenges of my life.  I have a binge eating disorder and it is most activated when I am grieving.  I try to prepare myself around this time of year because the triggers are everywhere but last week I found myself experiencing one of the strongest bouts of grief I have ever experienced.  I panicked at it's intensity.  I wasn't sure what to do.  I made myself think rationally though and said, "just try anything that is not unhealthy you can think of until you find something that works."  I was determined to do something different this time.  The first thing I did was open up and ask for support.  Not something I do easily.  I am not good at sharing struggles with other people.  I usually hide out and eat until I can't anymore.  I posted on Facebook a need for prayers/support and I got it.  Next I let myself cry.  I usually fight and do anything I can to hold back the tears, but it's inevitable so I just let myself do it this time.  I then went home, got on my elliptical, worked out, read, ate a healthy dinner, wrote, watched TV, and went to bed.  Not an ounce of binging or hiding took place.  I woke up the next morning feeling no shame, still grieving, but so excited that my attempt to do different worked.  I got through a powerful moment of grief in a helpful and healthy way.  Progress!  

I have a lot of weight to lose.  I'm not exaggerating.  It's a lot.  I'm doing it for my health.  I have a lot of life left to live and my weight has kept me from doing so many of the things I want to do.  I recently spoke to a SU member who has lost 200 pounds and his advice to me was to take it day to day and not think about the amount I need to lose.  If you think about the fact that you need to lose an entire person you'll get overwhelmed.  I think about what he said to me multiple times a day.  It helps me keep things in perspective.  He did it.  I can too.  So many times I talk myself out of believing this is possible though.  My coach tells me often that I get in my own way.  He's right.  My attitude about myself and what I need to do to reach my goals definitely makes this pursuit more difficult.  My actions are based in fear.  I'm afraid to fail and I'm afraid to succeed.  Tough place to be.  When I am in that place I look for any excuse I can come up with.  I can sure find a lot of them too.  Definitely an area to work on.  I must stay out of my own way or I will not get what I want.  

I saw the above posted meme and it struck me.  I think one of the keys for me going forward will be to stop looking for reasons to fold.  I'll always be able to find them if I want to.  Those reasons will not help me move toward health at all though.  Instead I need to look for reasons to play.  Just like reasons to fold I can always find them if I want to.  It's my choice.  I can choose more of the same and do what I have always done or I can choose different and move myself toward better health.  I want good health and to be able to do things I want to do that I can't right now.  No more folding.  It's time to play! 

If you are reading this that means I finally decided to share it.  Please don't hesitate to share your thoughts with me.  I'd love to hear them and learn from you anything I can.  I hope that if you are often struggling and getting in your own way that you will read something here that will encourage you to stop folding and start playing!

God Bless!
MAC    

Thanksgiving (Last Year and Today)

It was Thanksgiving day 2017 and I was sad, exhausted, stuffed, and eating my third slice of chocolate cream pie when I began thinking again I need to do something about my health.  I got on the scale and weighed 335+ pounds.  I went to the bathroom and cried.  I was miserable.  I couldn't stand for more than a few minutes, was sleeping a few hours a night, and just walking from my car into the store was painful.  I had just opened the TTS Center which was a dream come true for me.  I couldn't enjoy it though.  My size was like a huge boulder in my way.  I had to attempt to maneuver it in everything I did and most of the time there just was no way around it.  I decided to try one more time to do something about this.

Earlier in the year I had tried a program called Stronger U and it did not go well.  It wasn't the program.  I think I was just not ready.  I had enough success that time though that as I was praying, writing, and thinking things through it kept coming up as options.  I decided to contact them to see about trying again and they were so responsive and encouraging that I gave it another shot.  I was assigned a new coach and my fitness journey began again. 

I had no idea what was in store for me.  What I have discovered through this process is that there is not just one boulder in my life that I maneuver, but many.  Every time I get by one there is another one.  That was very discouraging at first but lately it's been more of a challenge than a discouragement.  I've maneuvered enough of them now that I am starting to understand that they are just boulders.  They may not move but I can.  I can go around them, climb over them, and chip them away.  Whatever it takes.  My success is not dictated by the boulder, but by deciding its okay to invest in myself, a willingness to be lead (coached), doing the best that I can, and trusting the process. 

When I started this thing I thought I would lose some weight.  I honestly did not think it would be much but any was better than none.  I expected to fail.  I had failed every time before.  I had no idea the lessons that I would learn or the life changing paths I would take.  I thought I was going on a diet.  What I did was actually start on a real health and fitness journey.

Here is just an example of the growth I have experienced directed through my Stronger U coach and the program.  Diet programs have one thing in common and that thing is the scale.  Scales are important.  They measure progress.  The problem with the scale is that it can be a distraction or obsession even.  I've been working with my Stronger U coach for almost 11 months now.  When he suggested I stop weighing I thought he had done lost his mind.  How do you go on a diet and not weigh?  To say I balked at the idea would be an understatement.  I had a full scale melt down over it.  After much discussion I agreed to be led this direction and just trust.  It has not been easy.  I had been using that scale as an emotional regulator and gauge of success or failure.  Now how was I going to know if I was doing well or poorly?  My coaches response was,  "right now lets work on habits.  If you will do that the scale will reflect it."  FRUSTRATING response to say the least.  Ha!  It's taken some time but I'm starting to see what he wanted me to see.  My habits got me to 335 pounds, and if I can address them and adopt healthier ones, my success won't be temporary but life long.  That would be amazing and something I would have never let myself believe or hope could happen.  It's been five weeks since I have weighed I think and I'm not sure when I will get on the scale again.  It's slowly losing it's importance to me as I shift my focus to improved health and building habits to keep that health once I attain it.  I'm trusting that he is right and that when I do get on a scale again it will reflect what I have been doing.  This is just one area of growth.  There have been many.

I have learned a lesson over and over.  Trusting the path God has laid out for me and walking in it is where my peace is.  My job in this journey of life is to take one step and then the next, and then the next along that path.  It's when I try to get way ahead or do things my way that I get into trouble.  I'm glad that I have started again on this path that I God has clearly laid out for me.  I pray that I continue to grow, learn, and change in ways that I need to so that I can live the life I was meant to live.       

It's Thanksgiving Day and I am cooking for my family.  Soon my mom and nieces will show up for lunch.  We'll stand around holding hands and thanking God for our blessings.  I have so many things to be thankful for.  For one I am a much improved version of the person who sat on her bed miserable last Thanksgiving.  I am down 50 pounds, wearing a size I have not worn in a very long time, walking a mile or more a day, working out three to four times a week, and I feel better both physically and mentally than I have in a very long time.  I can walk from my car to the store without pain and I can fit in both stadium and airplane seating.  Good news for a sports and travel fan!  I have made some amazing new friends and found the support I needed to be successful.  I have done things that I have always wanted to do but let my weight hold me back.  One of those things was to go to UCLA to get my PEERS certification.  Now I am the only PEERS certified young adult provider in Texas right now.  On top of all of those I have an amazing husband and two fantastic boys, a business that is thriving and that I love, clients and their families that I adore, and friends and family that I cherish.  Last but not least I have incredible memories of a little girl that impacted my life beyond belief and helped mold me into the person I am today.  Without my experiences and life with Hannah so much of what I do would not be possible.  I miss her beyond belief but am grateful for the time I did have with her.  I am blessed!  

Shout out and thank you to Coach Martin Diaz, Mike Doehla and the Stronger U staff and participants.  I'm grateful to have you lead and support my journey to health and fitness!  Love to my family and friends!  You guys are my rock!  Have a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving y'all!  

 

    

Being Wrong

Sitting alone in the middle of a remote pasture surrounded by cattle I clearly recall vowing to the cows and the heavens that the people who hurt me would not win.  That I would show them all.  This was not an unusual occurrence.  I often retreated to safe places where the chance of being found was very unlikely.  As I grew up finding those safe places to retreat became more difficult.  At some point my retreat went from hiding places to the physical act of eating.  I learned how to retreat and hide with food. 

I spent my childhood and teenage years gaining and losing weight.  As I look back the gains and losses were in correlation to whatever was going on in my life at the time.  When my life was predictable and stable I'd be down on my weight but as soon as things got rocky or bad my weight would increase.  

As a married adult my weight has been on a steady increase with very few decreases.  There have been lots of attempts to lose weight with no real success to speak of.  As I look back I can see that the biggest increases coincide with very stressful times in my life.  One of those stressful events was the loss of my 8 year old daughter Hannah to which I experienced my biggest gain and topped out at 335 pounds.  

I have spent my life retreating and hiding.  Never learning how to appropriately express my feelings, needs, or wants.  Most of my relationships are superficial.  I didn't have a long term best friend until I was 40 years old.  I have a wonderful marriage but even my husband did not know a lot about what I thought or felt until recently.  I'VE BEEN HIDING MY WHOLE LIFE.  

It's not like I did not know that I was doing something that was more harm than good.  I've hated myself for not being more open and real.  For being a coward and hiding.  For binge eating instead of feeling.  I've felt like an impostor everywhere I go.  Not because I try to act like someone else but more like I am not free to be my authentic self.  What people see is not what I feel or who I see.  

I've spent most of my life trying to prove that my experiences growing up did not affect me.  I've been frustrated and livid every time I realize that they did indeed affect so much of how I manage and maneuver my life.  I always felt that my retreating and hiding was a good thing.  That it protected me as well as anyone else I cared about.  When I spoke to my friend recently about this she said, "Really Marcey!  They(people who hurt me) do not matter.  They only matter if you give them significance.  You don't even need to beat them if they don't matter."  I left that conversation with a lot to think about.  Why do I put my self worth in the hands of the insignificant?   

This all came to a head recently.  I have been doing a nutrition program since January.  In this program I was assigned a coach.  I was sitting at my desk stressed to the max about to down an entire bag of Oreo's when I texted my coach this, "I have got to find something else to do when I am stressed the !@#$ out.  What the !@#$ do people do besides eat"?  He immediately responded and talked me through alternatives.  I figured I'd do what he said and come back and eat the Oreo's.  "Stupid nutrition coach...what does he know about binge eating!"  That didn't happen though.  His suggestions worked.  There were alternatives to binge eating and they were healthy, didn't involve food, and worked quite well!

In the coming days I would wrestle with these realizations, admit that I had been wrong about many things and make some different decisions about them. 
     1.  I would decide that retreating and hiding was not helpful and  that doing so with food was impacting both my physical and mental health.  
     2.  I would decide that the people that hurt me do not matter and it was time for me to quit giving them run of my life.   
     3.  I would decide that I was wrong and that there are workable alternatives to binge eating and I need to incorporate them in my daily life.  I would accept help while I learn new ways of handling my emotions without food.
      4.  I would decide to let myself ask questions even if they may appear odd or no-brainer to most people.  I needed to know.  I never learned some of the things that healthy functioning adults do about self care and I was going to have to be okay  with not knowing.  Allow myself to be a beginner.
     5.  I was going to allow myself to do whatever I needed to do to improve my health.  Forgive myself for past failures and stop using past painful experiences as excuses for my self harm. 

These are just a start.  I have so much to learn and so many decisions to reverse about what I have believed about myself and my experiences in life.  It's a good thing I like to learn.  I posted my first "odd" question on a Facebook group for the nutrition program I am doing.  The question, "what do you do when you are disappointed in yourself?"  It was a huge step for me to do this but I'm so glad I did.  The answers were insightful and I learned that I am not a "special snowflake" (what my coach calls me when I think I am the only one) and that my question wasn't all that odd at all. 

This is not the journey I envisioned when I started working on these things in January.  It's so much more and I feel a strength growing in me daily.  I'm not gonna lie.  I am scared.  I'm also excited and hopeful.  There's a saying that I keep playing in my head right now and that is, "Do it Scared".  I've always wanted to feel free and I think if I can do it scared I can get there.  I will know what it's like to be free!

If you need to lose weight or get fit you should look into Stronger U.  I can't recommend the program enough!  Look them up and see what they are about.  Ask me questions.  It's so much more than just a diet!  It is a way to change your life if you want to change it.